My Sweet Disaster

My Own Funeral.

F U N E R A L

[Letter Number Six]

Dear Christian,

I'm one step closer to the end, the inevitable and then I should be free from these memories. From everything in general. I wanted to be careless for a long time. It's time for me to say goodbye. You're not here. I really hoped though, I really hoped that I could say this all to you in person. I had hoped that you could mend my broken body, my broken soul. Touch my bruised skin and kiss them till they heal.

But you're not here. Your absence had been creeping on me from the back since you left. 

You are somewhere inside those skyscrapers, living your life. Somewhere you actually belong.  Since I can't say anything to you in person right now, I'm writing this all down to say that I really missed you, Chris.  I know I can't say these to you in person. And I know, I know I won't from now on.

Only for you I'm writing these words. For you, because you were the only one to understand me. To love me for who I am. I never had the idea of why did you choose me? You were good at everything, I was not, You were good at living, I was not. 

Everything you were, I was the opposite. Who would have thought? 

Silly me. 

When people ran after you, your popularity--you ran towards me and I heard all of their lip gloss smirks. 

"Ew, him with her?"

"Unfortunate." 

I heard it all. Though my lips didn't move a bit. They never did, I think it was a big part of my disaster. I never tried to sort it out. I should've looked back at them, I should've told them, "See him? He's my best friend, he wanted to be my best friend and he's the coolest person I know so you all should suck it up." 

I should've said a lot of things.

Christian, this is hopefully the last letter ( I've been trying to stop writing but I can't) to you. My mother never let me send any of these letters to you. You thought I never was comfortable around you because you always saw me as this fragile glass that was on the verge of breaking, which was true. I was very fragile. But I was more than comfortable around you. My mother thought I never realized the reason behind her disgusting behaviors, the thirst for violence. But I did, I observed every single thing everyone did. Sadly, like I wrote, I wasn't good at sorting things out.

I wanted to show you the hell I am going through. But it felt wrong to involve you. I never wanted to distract you from your success. I never wanted to be the one to bring you down from the place you worked so hard to go to. 

I'm about to embrace my fear like I said. I think everyone should do this once in a while, not die but embrace their fears. Just to realize what they're going through is not enough. There will be more and you should be ready for it. When you're prepared for such struggles it might hurt a bit less.

Okay, it's time. I am going Christian. If you ever read this. Please do read those letters I've written with my blood and tears. Those scratched papers . I loved, no I love you Christian and maybe that's the only real affection I felt toward someone. I won't tell you to forgive me for what I'm about to do. However, just take a look at my sweet disaster, please? I want you to know what happened. I know you'd understand. You always do. 

Read it and you'll understand.

Maybe the over thinking about myself was the reason I ended it. The story of my life is it ended too fast.

Farewell Love,
Aveline.

________________

The people might have heard the sound of something hitting the water but they didn't realize that someone just committed suicide in the beautiful lake. The lake was always cheerful and soothing for everybody. But maybe not for 18 years old Aveline. She was not there but her letters were lying on the wooden bridge in the middle of the lake, waiting to be read. Her letters to Christian.

It rained that Friday. Too much rain. Some people wondered if the weather was honoring Aveline's departure from this realm. Aveline loved rain. 

Once again there were all kinds of people dressed in black, gathering, mourning for someone; for Aveline. Her mother didn't seem like she just lost her only child in suicide, she didn't look happy yet she didn't look sad either. Aveline always knew. She was gone and now her mother can live in peace. One less failure to look at. One less person to blame everything to.

Unfortunately her body was not found. They arranged a ceremony to pray for her soul and herself to rest in peace. That was not a usual funeral. Well, Aveline was not any usual girl. While they all gathered and grieved, he entered. With a navy-blue suit and a white shirt underneath it. Because Ave's favorite color was navy-blue. The color of her eyes. Even though the shirt was damp with water, of rain and tears. He didn't care. The boy struggled to get in.

"Excuse me sir, may I ask you who you are?"

"Her best friend."

"What's your name, sir?"

"Christian, my name is Christian Woods."

And he made his way to those words Aveline kept for him. Finally.