Things I didn't like:
*Your paragraphs are a bit long maybe, you could try to shorten them a bit?
*You switch between tenses a lot. (I do this to.)
Things I did like:
*Your plot in general. You have a good idea here. Run with it.:)
*I enjoyed your detail o everything. You describe things very well.
Overall, I give you a 3/5 star rating just fix some things.:)
