Undone [Completed]

Undone: [Thirteen - Extra]

“Well, ‘cause you are the one we’re worried about.” His attempt to play dumb was pretty good, down to the scratching of his head, but something just wasn’t right.

I went along nevertheless. “I meant with the whole you’re not good at this thing.”

“Well,” he shrugged, “I’m not.”

“What’s bothering you?” He opened his mouth to protest, but I didn’t let him. “Don’t say nothing.”

He shrugged again, averting his gaze.

“Why do you think you’re not good at consoling people?” I tried again. “I mean, you did come here to console, right? Comfort…that. You know.”

“Because I’m not.” He replied simply.

“Who told you that?”

He didn’t reply.

“Whoever it is is nuts, alright?”

“It’s true,” he said again, his voice two tones softer. “It’s like I never know what the right thing is, to say, and I don’t seem to understand people.”

“Really? I disagree.”

“It is true!” he insisted. “That’s why Ryan-” he stopped.

Aha. We were getting somewhere. “It’s why Ryan, what?”

“Nothing.” He fell silent, but just when I was starting to consider that maybe I’d pushed him a little too hard, he started again. “Just, he always assumes that I’ll look down on him if he has some crisis, so he’ll tell Nick his problems, but not me.”

Wow. And I’d thought I had problems.

“And now you’re all awed that I’m capable of feeling.” He stated harshly, his voice hardening again.

“That’s not true,” I moved my hand to rest on his, eliciting a question on his face. “And I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it that way though, like, you’re the guy who talks sense, and I kinda appreciate it when people tell me straight up to deal than baby me, you know?”

He nodded slowly.

“And right now, that’s what I need.”

He didn’t seem to believe me. “Why did you say ‘sorry’ for crying, then?”

I blushed. “Oh, well, I didn’t want you to think of me as a loser. Like,” I swallowed. Where was all this pride coming from? “I care what you think about me.”

“That’s just it, see,” he seemed calm however, “I don’t judge. You guys think I do.”

“But you don’t. I’m sorry.”

He snorted. “That’s enough sorries for today, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” I smiled weakly.

I’ll say it – that was the best I’d felt in a while. We just sat there for a few more moments, looking out at other people talking and laughing, and it was…nice.

“So, are you feeling better now?”

I looked at him, still blissfully unremembering – even though that isn’t a word – of why that conversation had taken place to begin with.

“Lani?” he questioned.

And just like that, the lump was suddenly present and even larger in my throat. “Sucks to be reminded, you know?”

“Yeah,” he agreed softly, scooting closer to me. “I’d imagine it haunts you every day even without the reminders.”

“Yeah.” My voice was choking up, fast, and it showed.

“Max, it’s okay.” His arm was around me once again, and I broke down.

“This-this is so messed up!” I said, leaning into him. “I can’t even not-not cry everytime it comes up and-”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not! I need to move on, but I can’t, because I’m too weak!”

“You’re not weak.”

The firmness in his words made me look at him – he didn’t sound like he was saying it just to make me stop crying. “Have you considered that maybe, you haven’t accepted it yet?”

On any other day, I would have retorted with a ‘You think I don’t know?’ but…being aware of something and accepting it weren’t the same thing, were they? I knew he’d hurt me, and I knew how that made me feel, but had I accepted it? Had I come to the point where I’d said ‘It happened, and now this is where I am’?

A little voice said ‘Yes!’ but…I’d never said it without thinking about the why or how I felt.

“Max?”

I raised a finger; I was getting someplace, and it was filling me with a calm I hadn’t felt in a long time. I hadn’t. I’d never just thought about the fact that things had changed, and let it be. I’d always gotten angry, and upset, over what had happened, and it had only restarted the cycle. The cycle of hating John and my life, of blaming myself, of seeing where I was then starting all over again.

I’d never really stopped at ‘This is where I am now.’

My head was spinning. “You’re right.”

Okay. That…”

“How do I do it though?”

The tears had already started to dry.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, “but we’ll figure it out, okay?”

PS. Can I get anybody to check out Hanging by a Moment and the second prologue in Learning to Breathe?