granted. // (grant gustin fan fic)

Re-Do

Grant at 2:43 PM: Ok, what's your address and when are you going home to Florida/going to back to NYC?

Cam at 3:08 PM: Hi to you too. I have to go to work soon, but things are good. My address is 438 W. Riverside #357. I leave for Florida after my last exam on the 22 and I get back on Jan 14th. How are you?
Cam at 3:10 PM: Why?

Grant at 3:12 PM: Present

Cam at 3:13 PM: Grant!! What did I say?

Grant at 3:15 PM: That you love, appreciate, and cherish me?
Grant at 3:15 PM: That you're so thankful for your present?

Cam at 3:18 PM: None of the above. I distinctly remember saying not to worry about it and not to get me anything

Grant at 3:20 PM: Hmm... I don't recall

Cam at 3:33 PM: *rolls eyes*

Grant at 3:34 PM: Don't be mean-- I'm getting you the best present ever.

Cam at 3:35 PM: Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever.

Grant at 3:36 PM: What time do you have to be to work for?

Cam at 3:36 PM: 3:45. I'm in the office now but I'm not on the clock so I don't have to do anything just yet

Grant at 3:37 PM: Got it, is your boss in? Are you gong to have to go soon?

Cam at 3:37 PM: Grant, it's nearly 4 in the afternoon. Of course, my boss is in... but I'll probably still just text you when I can tbh

Grant at 3:38 PM: Haha that's my girl but don't get fired because of me

Cam at 3:39 PM: You're such a bad influence. You're supposed to say, "No, go work, it's fine. I'll talk to you later."

Grant at 3:40 PM: Fine. No, go work, it's fine. I'll talk to you later

Cam at 3:41 PM: Waaaaaaaiiiit
Cam at 3:41 PM: Come baaaack

Grant at 3:42 PM: What?

Cam at 3:43 PM: Hi
Cam at 3:43 PM: I miss you

Grant at 3:44 PM: lol go to work

Those ellipses popped up again but Grant didn't say anything after. Granted, he probably thought I was at work but that's besides the point. I debated with myself about whether or not I should call him out on it or say something else so he would know that I could at least read his text and see what he has to say but I decided against it at the last moment.

I just worked my shift without Grant as a distraction. My shift is only 4 hours but it was painful. One would think that a work-study can't be crazy and obnoxious but I promise that it can. Dealing with college students is like dealing the absolute worst qualities of demographic just piled into one body of bitterness. It's at this point where college students solidify what qualities of their parents that they retain and reject. For some, you clearly see entitlement, unnecessary anger, and mistreatment and disrespect of workers in a seemingly harmful body radiate brightly through the dark, depressingly carpeted office-- sorry, tangent, bad day.

I figured I was supposed to text Grant when I got off of work but exhaustion overwhelmed me and I ate a burrito and went to bed. Grant is great--don't get me wrong-- but fries before guys. Though they're not fries technically, still food and a nap ranks supreme. I do wish he were here at least for the nap. My toes were always cold and I just wanted to shove them under his warm body but curling them up and pushing my feet under my fleece blanket would have to suffice.

His smell still lingered in my nostrils. It was woodsy and like pine. There was a hint of sweetness as an attempt to tone the smell down but it didn't work. It was good that it didn't, honestly. I already could envision running my hands through his hair and imagine how he tastes and that enough could drive me insane and keep me up at night.

Some days I think about telling him that he really has an unhealthy hold on me but other times, I think it's best that I don't say anything. If he doesn't know then I can read into every little detail, fabricate scenarios with us that play out perfectly, and lose all inhibitions and insecurities. In my head, everything is perfect-- Grant is perfect with no flaws, no problems, and no hesitations about being with someone like me. If I told him, everything would collapse. He'd walk on eggshells with me until he didn't walk anymore, until we didn't talk anymore. He would be careful about everything he did and said to a point where he wouldn't be Grant anymore. He'd be someone completely different in a shell of Grant's likeness. Honestly, I'd rather be in love with a fake Grant and pine over a Grant I don't have, than to be without one completely. This isn't my insecurity talking, have you ever just really liked someone? So much that even if you couldn't have them, you'd be perfectly content being their friend and having them in whatever capacity you could because life without them would be unthinkable?

I've known Grant for three months now and he has this hold on me that I didn't know was possible. 

But maybe this is a problem? Maybe I should know better. Maybe I should want better. Maybe I deserve better. Maybe I shouldn't settle for just having Grant in any capacity I can. Maybe I should be someone's first choice and not their last resort. Maybe I shouldn't sit on the sidelines, wishing I could be in the game. Maybe I should just do something and say what I want. Maybe I should just go for it. 

Grant at 11:07 PM: Are you up? I need to know if I'm crazy. 

Cam at 11:08 PM: What's up?

Grant at 11:08 PM: I met this girl. 

Grant at 11:08 PM: And she's totally amazing. 

Grant at 11:09 PM: And I want to like really see how we'd fit like together 

Grant at 11:09 PM: Crap, not like that 

Grant at 11:09 PM: Like I want to see if we have something

Grant at 11:10 PM: Like if we could have something real 

Grant at 11:10 PM: Does that sound weird? Am I losing it?

Grant at 11:10 PM: Is it even a thing to have something real or am I just making it all up?

11:11. After reading those words, all I could do was close my eyes and just let a soft, silent tear roll from under my eyelashes.  I want a re-do. I would give up everything up. I would tell him and risk every moment that could have happened following that one point where I would give him the best way to do the worst damage.