The Dude's Guide to Girls

Chapter Two: How to survive a shopping trip with the ladies

[DO]

Keep your answers short:

When your woman asks you a straight up question which requires a straight up answer, we recommend keeping your answer short and straight to the point, that way she won’t have anything to analyse in what you’re saying? You know how the ladies do that? Analyse what every little word you say could mean, when really what we say is what we mean in the first place. So to save yourself the ‘what are you trying to say? That I’m fat?’ look, just keep it short and sharp….simple right? WRONG. You have to be perfect in executing your answer too, if you show any hesitation on your voice or in your voice, you’re screwed. If she asks if her butt looks big in something, just give her a straight up ‘no’, show any hesitation or indecision and we’re back to scanning the clothing racks and shelves for something that doesn’t make her butt look big.

[DON’T]

Show weakness:

NEVER EVER EVER SHOW WEAKNESS WHEN SHOPPING WITH WOMEN!! If you’re getting tired and your feet are aching, your back is sore, your fingers are numb and your stomach is rumbling like a hungry beast, just suck it up and stay quiet. You show the slightest amount of weakness and they’ll gain satisfaction from it, and yes that may mean shopping for an even longer time just to see you suffer. Just man up and grow a goddamn pair-if you haven’t already- and endure the rest of the shopping trip, the less she sees you suffer, the faster it can be over with. If you’re getting pissed at the constant shop-hopping then just suck it up.

[DO]

Distribute the pain:

Nothing is worse than enduring a whole day shopping trip alone. So our tip is to ring up a mate who has a girl and make your two women ‘bond’ by shopping, that way you aren’t suffering alone and your girl has someone else to bombard with questions, a lot of the time this also means you can sneakily leave the premises with said mate and go to the nearest bar or games shop/sports shop. Or better yet do what we did and fake being sick and go to the nearest Maccas* and pig out. *Maccas = McDonalds

[DON’T]

Say these phrases:

“You’ve already got one like that in your closet/wardrobe” – suicide just plain suicide, because now by saying this, she’ll be drawing up a mental image in her head of her wardrobe and checking if she does, which can take forever, and once done if she does then she’ll just put the damn thing back and look for something else, if you want to leave quickly don’t say it.

“Just pick one” – don’t do this unless you want to spend more time holding bags or irritating her. She’ll sense your irritated and bored and take an unnecessary amount of time picking another one, and continuously asking if you like it or not.

“Can we go?” OR “I’ve had enough”– just don’t for do many reasons, because she will just keep on shopping, and remembering to buy things she hasn’t bought yet.

We have proven that when using these phrases these things actually happen. Of course if you don’t believe us go out and test those with your woman…..don’t say we didn’t warn you though!

[DON’T]

Flirt with the sales girl:

I’m pretty sure this one is self-explanatory but then again there are some clueless people out there so we’ll explain. You walk into a shop with your girlfriend/relative/friend, and bam a hot sales assistant comes up and asks if you need help. As tempting as it is to simply flirt with her, for the love of god and everything holy don’t go there. Especially if you’re with your girlfriend, even though she may be looking away she has eyes on the back of her head, and super hearing, so unless you want to make a scene and get your ass dumped don’t flirt. This also applies to the mother and the sister and the friend, they’ll give you a lecture on ‘treating girls nicely’ or ‘that’s not how I raised my boy’. Mother long gone are the diaper days! However don’t talk back if they scold you either, this results in you being dragged out of the shop by the ear, and/or being clawed on your arm which then results in a sharp stinging sensation and a gnarly scar.

[DO]

Suffer in silence:

Just do it! Don’t bother arguing with the woman or pushing her buttons, don’t bother challenging her choices either, just practice your best ‘I’m awake and listening’ expression and smile to everything she says. We also recommend practicing your zoning out skills too, makes for a more endurable day. We did this last shopping trip and it worked a charm! No shouting or fighting, just peace and calm.

[DON’T]

Give her full reins on the cash-flow:

Girlfriend or not, do not make the mistake of offering to pay for every single little thing she wants. I mean sure paying for things is our job, but sometimes paying for a $15 pink loofah is just ridiculous. If you’re not loaded, just tell her you’re broke and all will be well. Don’t pay for shoes that cost $85 simply because you gave into the goddamn puppy-dog eyes look. Learn some resistance bros!