The Dude's Guide to Girls

Chapter Five: How to impress the family

Chapter Five:  How to impress the family

Alrighty another upload, and yes we love you guys so much that we haven’t abandoned this guide yet, so you guys should all give us favours and shit, jokes. Anyways again, sorry we’ve been slack and everything, but we’re here now, so have no fear! It's not long we know, but yeah we need to get the ball rolling again to get better at it again.

So anyways, we’re sure that all dudes like us, get nervous at the thought of meeting the parents and family of your girlfriend. Let me tell you now, it’s definitely nerve-wracking. I’ve had more than enough experience in this field, considering I’ve possibly met every single relative my girlfriend has, let me tell you now, she has a shitload of them. Anyways this chapter’s going to be about impressing the family, basically it’s the pivotal point with a girl. You get along with the family, and bam, you’re instantly in for the home run. If not, then you’ve got some work to do. So sit back, relax and take some notes.

[DO]

Make a good first impression:

Take it from us; first impressions make or break your whole game plan. So you hear everywhere that first impressions matter a shitload, and we couldn’t agree more, especially with the family. Pretty much if you seriously like a girl, you’ve got to ace that shit, or your chances are down the drain bros. Anyways a couple of weeks back or months back, I (James), had to go and meet my girlfriend’s cousins with her, let me tell you now that that shit was intimidating. So anyways yeah let’s just say that that really wasn’t the best first impression. It was a fucking disaster to put it nicely; I can safely say that her cousin, to this day, still gives me the evil eye. Anyways to help you with the first impressions, got a couple of handy tips, that I think will probably help, well they fucking helped me a shitload.

•Have a good handshake: don’t be one of those dudes that has that stupid handshake with the father or the uncle or the grandpa or whatever, it’s a sign of weakness bros, and you'll seem like a pussy too, just saying. Firm handshake, but not too firm that it seems like you’re trying to give his hand a handjob or something, the technique is simple, but hard to master, but pretty much dudes, if you’ve got a solid handshake, you’re in.

•Good posture: simple enough, don’t be a slouchy son of a bitch in front of the relatives, they overanalyse bad posture, trust us.

•Dress appropriately to family dinners: don’t do what our mate Damo did once, and showed up at a dinner with his girlfriend in shorts and thongs, that shit ain’t on. On the other side of the spectrum, don’t overdress either

[DON’T]

Have sex before meeting the family:

We know the urges are hard to control, especially if your girlfriend is a complete sex kitten, but seriously, don’t do it. I’ve learnt this the hard way, and let me tell you, it didn’t exactly have the best outcomes either. We were supposed to go to a family dinner, and we got all dressed up and shit, but then I got sidetracked and basically fucked her in the car. Anyways, it seems I couldn’t get my ‘friend down there’ to calm the fuck down, so I had to do the walk of shame and hold her in front of me so no one could see my little predicament. Let me tell you, shaking her dad’s hand and refusing to go in front of her, didn’t exactly make a very good impression, eventually though, the dude found out and the whole dinner was about wood, and sausages and quickies. Not the best thing to talk about over dinner is it? Anyways lesson here dudes is that no matter how much you need to fuck, don’t do it if you’ve got a family dinner or something in the very near and immediate future. Just hold out and think of giant whales with sparkly dresses or something to keep your mind otherwise occupied, you don’t want to go through the shit I had to bros.

[DO]

Up your charm factor:

Don’t be afraid to turn the charm to full capacity, that shit really works well on the female relatives. Don’t make it too obvious though and be a suck up, on the other hand don’t use pickup lines either. That’s just weird on so many fucking levels, not to mention fucked up. There’s a very fine line between flirting and using your charm to impress the ladies. Don’t go overboard bros. Or you’ll end up with a family of women after your dick.

[DON’T]

Talk about the ‘intimacy topic’ or display PDA whatsoever:

Yeah don’t talk about sex in any way whatsoever. As much as you’d want to boast about it all, it’s a bad move. Because apparently, as far as her parents know, she’s a virgin, so don’t fuck up all the hard work by mentioning anything about that, not even when they bring the topic up. Just stay away from it. Talking about it is like taking a death sentence. Not to mention you’d probably end up not getting any for a whole week because she’s pissed you mentioned anything…True story. Oh yeah and don’t start making out or do any inappropriate touching when the family’s around either, or else you’ll seem like a horny bastard who’s obsessed with sex. IF you have to do it, at least it do it discreetly.