Pained Life

Chap 5 : Struggling Mind

Allen felt himself drifting in and out of consciousness as the scenery flew by. Train rides nowadays made him feel drowsy but he was afraid of falling asleep.

Ever since that first nightmare when he fell unconscious he couldn't sleep. If he ever fell asleep he would see a different dream but they all had the same meaning only reminding him of death. When Lenalee had told him about the nightmares he comforted her and even though he didn't understand the fear he still wanted to help. Now, however, he understood clearly.

Too clearly.

Fear had literally consumed him. He couldn't sleep and he felt like he was forcing himself to even sleep. It had been a week since Levierrer 'meeting' and his introduction to Antonio and ever since then he was less at ease. It felt like his doppelganger was simply to be a replacement for him. He couldn't even function properly.

He just felt completely exhausted…and paranoid.

It was a miracle itself that he could pull the blind between everyone's eyes because they didn't notice a thing.

Either that or they didn't care.

Still it wasn't a bad thing. It was relieving as he wouldn't have to deal with all the questions and he wouldn't have to deal with anymore of Levierrer's assumptions. After all it did feel like it had to do with the 14th, and even though he vowed to fight him back, his will was fading…along with his soul. That's what it felt like.

He felt like he was slowly dying and giving up. It was a natural thing to expect, when you haven't slept in a while. The mission, to say the least, wasn't helpful. It only made him more tired and exhausted and he refused to sleep. He could practically feel each agonizing heartbeat beating against his ribs. It felt like he was suffocating as he had to control his breathing and keep it as normal as possible. Even now. He almost fell asleep after a surprise attack by the level 3's but thankfully to some drugs found in the hospital; he was able to stay a bit active. That was two days ago.

Allen sighed and pulled himself to stand up stretching feebly. His muscles were tight. His sigh caught the attention of everyone else in the room and he had to control his breathing to stop from hyperventilating. He didn't want anyone to worry about him.

"What's up Allen?" Someone in the room asked, looking pretty chipper as usual. Allen smiled.

"Nothing. Just want to use the restroom." He paused inhaling then continued again with an idea. "And while I'm gone Lavi, think about chasing after people, your own age" Emphasis. Allen grinned and leaving the flabbergasted Lavi alone with the others who laughed at the small joke. He needed to seem like nothing was wrong.

He could feel someone's eyes burning hatred and disgust into his back and had to try to maintain his fake routine. Kanda's glare wasn't half as bad but this was one wasn't just threatening death. It was burning death into him.

Allen walked out feeling his breathing become more rigid and his heart beat spiral. He needed to drink some water.

Lenalee was staring at the door where Allen had just retreated from. There was something wrong but a part of her refused to acknowledge it. He seemed just as fine as normal, maybe a bit playful, but still, something unsettled her. For instance, it didn't look like he slept last night, or the night before that now that she thought about it, and he also looked sick. Probably hungry.

Where had his appetite gone?

She was sure that the rest had noticed too but it didn't seem like it was anything someone could ask him. He seemed even more closed off and secretive. It hurt seeing him like that. She was almost sure that he was in conflict with himself, but she didn't have any proof. Still, they could talk amongst themselves about everything right?