Madness ➮ Harry Styles AU

A7

Christopher

November 23, 2013

Dear Diary,

It has been nearly two and a half years since I last saw her. Although, it feels much longer than that. I miss her more than I thought was humanly possible, and I can't shake the feeling that maybe -just maybe- she misses me too. Even though deep down I know that she never will and I think that's what has killed me the most: knowing that she will never want me as I want her.

I used to stop by the institute everyday, in hopes that she would be ready for me, but as the months treaded on, I came less and less frequently. Now, I rarely go there, not wanting to tear the tiny shred of hope I still posses.

The guilt has spread over me, making me numb. The fact that I drove her into this is still haunting me each and every hour in my wake. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

The only reason I am still breathing today is my fantasy that she may come back to me. It's pathetic, really, but it's all I have.

I put the black pen back down on the desk and closed the old, leather-bound book slowly. Usually, I feel strong doses of guilt immediately after writing diary entries. Although, this time, I feel empty.

Tears began to pour down my face, draining the emotion out of me. I could tell that as my feelings poured out, more space was left to be occupied. But I had nothing left to place there.

Making a quick and irrational decision, I swiped my car keys off of the smooth, ivory surface and stood on my feet. Before I allowed myself to change my mind, I headed out the front door and into my car. Starting up the engine and driving off without looking back.

As I was driving, my thoughts of her seemed to amplify. Everything I saw reminded me of how astonishingly beautiful she is. Everything I heard reminded me of her sweet, melodic voice. The things I felt gave me memories of her soft, pure skin. And even the scents that I sniffed made me realize that she always smelled of vanilla.

I was so concentrated on her that I was afraid that I would get into an accident. Even though I didn't mind dying right now, it would pain me even more to know that have harmed yet another innocent person.

Pulling into the deserted parking lot, I yanked the keys out the the ignition. The building looked just as I remember, it sent visions of my previous mistakes along with realizations of what I had done to swirl within me. Making me remember each and every single horrid detail that haunts me day by day.

I stumbled out of the car and up towards the front the building. I sighed a long and heavy sigh while staring at the tall glass doors, probably to prepare myself of the huge disappointment I was about to face.

"I'd like to see Miss Ashley Krane." I told the nurse at the front desk, who was currently occupied with looking at a clipboard filled with many written papers.

"Oh, ok. Just sign your nam-" The nurse begun to say, but abruptly stopped as she lifted her head to face me.

"Oh... Mr. Eve. I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do so."

She said looking me straight in the eye with a reprimanding voice.

It was then, whilst looking into her pretty little brown eyes that I recognized her familiar face. She was the same nurse that would always be here on my previous visits.

"You see... Beth, I really don't care. Just let me see her."

By the look on her pale face, I could see that she was a bit intimidated. For she was not used to my new assertiveness, she was used to the helpless, young boy who would hopelessly wait for his love to come back to him.

"Mr. Eve. You know the rules." Beth said in her sweet, naive voice. She was trying to scold me, but coming out of her innocent mouth, it was nothing but a slow sentence.

"What part of: I don't care, do you not seem to understand?" I challenged her.

"Mr. Eve, I do understand, but it is not my decision to make."

"Please, please... just please let me in... you know how long I have waited..." I softly begged, looking deeply at her. I hoped to break her down. I knew how badly she wanted to let me through those metal doors. Being the sweet woman she is, I knew she would surely let me pass, for the guilt would eventually consume her.

"No." Beth bluntly replied, her gaze now cold and unwelcoming.

It was then, that I realized, by her change of behavior since my last visit, that she knew. That she had discovered not only my purpose here, but Ashley's as well, and the convincing lie that I wrapped- ever so carefully- around the problem.

The false cover story I had tried so hard to create was tearing, slowly breaking, little by little. Soon, every employee would know of the real reason Ashley is here, and I would not let that happen. I absolutely would not allow the lie I had skillfully hand-crafted be discovered.

I leaned in closer to Beth from across the counter. In fact, I was so close to her, that I could hear her ragged, uneven breathing pattern.

"Who told you?" I whispered, so no one could hear me but her; even though the room was entirely vacant.

"I-I don't... I don't know what you are talking about." She stuttered, obviously lying.

"Liar!" I yelled in her face while fisting the clean, pressed material of her uniform, and pulling her unwilling body closer to mine.

"Tell me the truth!" I hollered, her petite body trembling beneath my ice cold grip.

I pulled her uniform up, bringing Beth face to face with me. She had given up on struggling, now limp and unmoving like a corpse. In a slow, and dramatic movement she lifted her head up to come face to face with my own. Glistening within her chestnut- colored eyes was a look of fear, and I watched as it traveled from her eyes down to her toes; consuming her.

I gasped. My senses finally catching up to what I was doing. I couldn't believe how quickly I lost control, after almost 2 years of training to be different.

Almost immedaitly, I dropped her back onto her feet, making her gasp for air once she felt solid ground beneath her.

I was hyperventilating, waving my arms frantically in the air for no apparent reason, trying to see erase the image I had just seen.

The fear the occupied Beth's once-lively eyes, was that same look of fear that lived within Ashley's. Whenever I was around Ashley- even as i was gentle with her- the emotion was still there.

She always seemed to be terrified of me, and it was clearly evident in the expression she always held.

The same expression I had just saw today.

I pulled out a chair and sat down, pinching the bridge of my nose.

1, 2, 3, breathe...

I thought, in attempts to calm myself down.

1, 2, 3, breathe...

My ragged breath became more more normal, following a statistic pattern.

1, 2, 3, breathe, for Ashley... for us.

I whispered to myself.

Those last words always seemed to bring me back to reality. Everytime I convinced myself that Ashley and I would be reunited, I was pulled away from my horrifying state. All I could hope was that what I was telling myself was true.

In a smooth and fluid action, I stood up from the chair and sauntered off to the crippled body, crouching weakly upon the white tile. I kneeled, so I was about the same height as her.

"I'm sorry." I lifted Beth's chin slightly to look her directly in the eye. She jerked her head from my grasp and continued to look back down at the uninteresting floor completly ignoring my sincre apology.

I stood back up on my feet, and pressed the red button behind the front receptionist's desk. The metal door ahead of me buzzed and with a click, the door was unlocked.

(A/N: In case you guys haven't noticed, the name on the top of the chapter refers to who's POV the chapter will be told in.)