Don't Let Go

Chapter 4

Cayson lay awake that night, his thoughts drifting towards his brother. Camden would never know how guilty Cayson felt for what had happened. If he hadn't been drinking than Camden would never have been in that position in to come and get him in the first place. Tears filled Cayson's eyes why hadn't his family let him die when he had attempted suicide as a teen. This would never have happened if they had just let him go. Why did Camden have to be determined to save Cayson from himself. The only thing Cayson was ever capable of doing was hurting those around him. The town people around him knew it, why couldn't Camden get it? Cayson had royally screwed up this time and he wasn't sure that he could fix it. He could attempt to care for his brother but the town they lived in would never allow Cayson to fix anything, they would always judge him for taking away his brother's chance at making it to the NFL. Maybe they were right to blame that on him because their father had walked out on them and had left Camden to care for a teenage Cayson. Still that wasn't really Cayson's fault, and he shouldn't be blamed for it but because the town hated him they would blame him.

"I'm sick of this town." Cayson muttered as he sat up in bed and stared out the window. The silence of the night seeming almost strange on the farm that had almost seemed alive for so many years. Camden and Cayson had struggled to keep the farm running but lately they'd had to start selling off some of the livestock. Cayson imagined that they would have to sell off even more now just to pay Camden's hospital bills. Cayson wasn't sure how he would be able to run the farm and work another job without killing himself, but he had to do something he couldn't let Camden suffer for his actions.

"Will I ever be able to make it right?" Cayson wondered as he thought about the town people hating him for being a trouble making loser for most of his life. His father seemed to have known all Cayson's life that he wouldn't turn out to be much, and that made Cayson wonder how he had known that. It wasn't like his father was a physic, he had no way of knowing the future. Unless Joe Peterson thought that if a person couldn't play football they weren't worth much. Cayson shook his head, he didn't think he would ever be able to forgive the man for making his own life hell when he had made Camden out to be the greatest person alive. Everyone seemed to have quickly picked up Joe's distaste for his youngest son, they had treated him like a disease from a young age. It had been grossly unfair to Cayson for them to have judged him so quickly but if there was anything that Cayson knew, it was that life wasn't fair. If it was he would have been born to better parents or he would have been just as good at football as his oldest brother. If life was fair he would have been treated just the same as Camden, if it was truly fair Cayson would be here instead of Camden. Cayson had never felt more like putting his head through a wall to stop all the thoughts rushing through his mind. He just wanted them to stop he didn't want to remember he was the reason for Camden fighting for his life. He didn't want to remember that he was responsible for Camden's life change. Camden would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Cayson wouldn't blame him if Camden never forgave him, he probably wouldn't ever forgive himself as it was.

In that moment all Cayson wanted to do was go get drunk so he could forget all about his problems for the time being. At the same time Cayson's drinking had been what caused this mess to begin with. Shutting his eyes Cayson took a deep breath trying to make the urge to take a drink go away. He needed a moment of clarity to deal with his issues, he wished his mind wasn't so clouded over everything. Cayson needed to be able to think about everything he needed to do for his brother, but at the moment he couldn't think past his need for a drink. Heading into the kitchen, Cayson reached under the sink and pulled out the bottle of Jack Daniel's. Twisting the cap off, he raised it to his lips and took a deep drink. Almost sighing at the burning sensation as the alcohol went down. All he ever needed was Jack Daniel's and he could be happy. He would worry about his brother when the alcohol wore off. Before he even realized it, Cayson had finished the bottle and he was stumbling back to bed, his thoughts clouded by a haze of whiskey. Cayson felt like in that moment he didn't have to worry about anything.

The next morning, Cayson woke up with a splitting headache and an aching stomach. Guilt hit him as he remembered that he had used alcohol to once again forget about his problems. He needed to be strong enough to get through the day without any kind of drinking but Cayson doubted he would ever be able to go an hour without some kind of alcohol in his system. It was the reason why he was in this situation in the first place. If Camden could see him now, Cayson knew that his older brother would be ashamed to even look at him. Camden had never understood Cayson's need to drink until he forgot his name. Camden had never really understood any of his issues, not even his depression that Camden had tried to help Cayson fight.

"I'm sorry Camden." Cayson muttered as he started up the coffee maker. He hoped a little caffine wou ld clear up the fog in his brain before he went to see Camden in the hospital. He wouldn't be able to stay as long today because he had every intention of trying to find a job in town, not that he expected anyone to give him one. No one had ever really even wanted to give him a chance, they just expected him to blow things right from the start. Shaking his head, Cayson tried to shake away the feeling of rejection. He hated feeling like he wasn't worthy, and he hated trying to live up to everyone's expectation of him. "I wish I could be the person you thought I was, but I am only capable of making mistakes and burning bridges."Cayson shook head again, feeling his depression rise once again. He was determined one day he would beat it, but at the rate things were going it wasn't likely to change anytime soon. Not with everyone expecting him to fail and to always be a loser. He wanted to change but at this point in time he wasn't even sure that he could. He was set in his ways, at his age chance for change was slim.

"Please let me find a job" Cayson muttered knowing the chances would be slim because everyone seemed to have the same opinion that his father had always had. Stupid football town, Cayson thought darkly ,not liking anyone who doesn't play football well. It's a wonder that this town doesn't have a ton of addicts with the way they treat those that can't play ball. One day those people would learn that they couldn't treat people like that, someone would lose their minds and go on a killing rampage. Cayson took a deep breath, he would get through today no matter what happened, he would somehow make up for his mistakes and become a better person. He would prove that he was as worthy of being treated with respect as his brother was, even if he wasn't a football player or any kind of athlete for that matter.