therapy

» memories

"You're going to hate me for this." Her head was in her hands as she was slumped up against the couch, knees up to her chest.

"What's wrong? I don't hate you, nor will." I came into the room after rushing over when she told me she was feeling miserable.

"I miss him. I miss all of them." She murmured into the sleeve of her ruffled sweater with tears glistening in her blue empty eyes which managed to trap thousands of volts of lightning in each pupil.

"What? I don't understand what you mean." I furrowed my eyebrows as I rubbed her back.

"Remember when we were camping outside after you finally convinced me to?"

"Yes, it took ages. For a gardener, you sure don't like the outdoors." I shook my head and chuckled as a tiny smile gleamed from her eyes.

"And remember how you asked me how many exes I have had? And why they are exes?"

"Uhuh, you said I think two?"

"Well, the other one wasn't official, I guess. We were just together. Anyway, that's not the point."

"Then tell me what's going on. Why did you text me saying you're miserable? Love, do you know what time it is? It is 4:02 AM. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I'm sorry for waking you up. Wow, I didn't even notice the time." Her voice got anxious as she was startled by how early it was into the day and how she managed to drag me over from twenty blocks over. "I'm so so so sorry. I-I-I really didn't mean to wake you up."

I reached over and pulled her in for a hug. "Shh, it's okay. I'm always here for you. We're best friends; isn't that something that is part of the Best Friends Book? Anyway, tell me what's wrong. Why are you remembering your exes?"

"I miss them... I miss how they would write me cute letters or poems... I miss how they would draw me pictures. I miss how we would laugh under the stars. I miss how we made up stories of how our futures would be. I don't know what's going on but all of the sudden, I kept thinking about them and the memories flooded my brain. I can't get them out. I've thrown away their clothes and their messages and their numbers but I can't get the memories to burn. I'm sorry; this is so stupid of me. I just...I just...I just don't know what to do. I miss them, dammit. I miss being loved by someone. It's so selfish of me."

"No, shh, don't worry. It's not selfish of you. It's normal. It is human nature to crave love. We need companionship; it is what makes you human, love. Don't be sorry about something that every single person in the world needs. Maybe you don't miss them actually. Maybe you don't miss the same physical people you used to hold in your heart dearly. You miss the thought of them. You miss the feelings they gave you and now that your heart is empty, you're trying so desperately to fill it up with memories of the past. Yes, it is important to cherish memories but it is more important to create new ones so we're not frozen in the past. I know it might seem like you've been forgotten by them but love, it is for the better. Now, it's time to forget them. You can't love someone new while your heart is occupied by old feelings. It isn't fair to you or the new person. First of all, you're stripping yourself from experiences and emotions that the new person can bring to you, and second of all, you're not giving an equal amount of love in return to the person."

"I love you, best friend." She hugged me tightly.

"I love you too, best friend," I whispered in her ear.