The Astronomers Last Words (An abundance of poems)

Temple made for the gods

(Trigger; eating disorder, anxiety, body image)
Laughter covers my too insecure mind.
The anxiety rushes when I think of dinner time.
I have purple stretch marks on my inner thighs,
and an inconsistent mind.
With every growl my stomach will make,
I fantasize of killing my past weight.
There are days with not a single bite.
Except the- wait there are calories in toothpaste right?
Then the next week I stuff, fill, cake into my life.
I say it's to convince others I'm alright.
When my shorts are too big at the waist,
and too tight at my thighs.
I can't help but wonder when will be the time when I am considered. "Skinny."
I try to eat right,
mainly because I don't want to die.
Not yet at least.
When the people I love skip meals I feel guilty for eating mine.
So I wait for another time.
Eat half and skip the rhyme.
My anxiety filled head uses humor for defense.
"The thighs of a warlord." Hopefully that'll make sense.
Chubby is a word to describe who I am.
A synonym for the title "Sam."
If they're fat then what is it that I am?
One day I stuck sticky wrap to hide my thighs.
To hide that part of me.
And that was when it hit, how pathetic I came to be.
I can't say I have an eating disorder
Because I don't match the stories.
No food one day
1,000 calories the next
Make.
             up.
                      your.
                                  Mind.
My body is that of a temple.
For the god that I am.
But this temple was made far too big.
If I were a God I could change my insecurities.
So maybe this temple was built for other gods to point and find strange.
I am a mortal sin in myself.
I defy my own words unless reminded by someone else.
I convince others that I'm alright.
But have I ever been fine in my mind?
I tell them "hip bones don't need to show"
But I wish mine did
I say "flat stomachs are overrated"
But I want mine the size of a twig
I say "you're making me feel bad"
Finally not a lie
I shout at the sky "MAKE UP YOURE GOD DA**ED MIND"
I dream of pills and a bridge and I say
"I don't want suicide"
I want a thigh gap
And a stomach so flat
Ill look sick
I want no more false compliments
I want a body so beautiful,
It was made for a god.