Over Again ( A Kian Lawley / O2L )

Chapter 4 - Jealousy

When things don't go your way, you typically aren't happy about it.

Sometimes you may be upset, sometimes you'll just be mad.

When someone else has what you want, something similar happens.

But instead of just being upset or mad, you get jealous. You get protective in a territorial way.

That's how I am.

For nineteen months, I had all I ever wanted. All I ever needed.

That was Kian.

He was there for me through the ups and downs, through thick and thin.

I was there for him in the same way.

If I felt sick, he would make soup for me and we'd cuddle while watching romantic movies.

If I was upset about something, sometimes he would try so hard to make funny jokes, which were never really funny but his amount if effort would always make me giggle. Other times he would tickle me until I could no longer breathe.

Now I don't have him to make me feel better.

Andrea has him.

The amount of jealousy I have has been growing at a rapid week since they started dating about a month ago. It consumes me and I find myself only hating myself for it.

I know that I was a major cause in the destruction of our relationship. It wasn't just him. So I deserve this jealousy.

"Maddie!" Kian's voice sounded loudly through the apartment. I looked up from the book I was reading, wondering what he could want now.

"Yeah?" I yell in return.

"Come here!" He called, annoying me.

I groaned, rolling out of bed before walking to the living room where he was sitting on the couch.

"What?" I said a little harsher than I meant, but I wasn't happy with him.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to Tennessee next week?" He asked, an upset look in his eyes.

"What?" I ask, knowing exactly what he is talking about, but not knowing how he found out.

I was planning on telling him, but I just couldn't find the time.

I was about to go to Tennessee for a week, which wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't have promised Kian that I was going to a concert that he was hosting with him.

"Why didn't you tell me? Like when I asked you to come to the concert with me?" He asked, getting mad. The look on his face hurt me, but I knew I did this to myself.

"Because I forgot..." I lied, looking away shamefully.

"You forgot?" He repeated my words, unbelieving of them. "How could you just forget about a week long trip?"

I avoided eye contact with him, tracing patterns on the hardwood floor with my eyes.

When he asked me to go to this concert with him, I agreed, not realizing the date was one of the days I would be in Tennessee. Since I hadn't told him about the trip, he didn't know either.

When I found out that the dates were the same, I decided against telling him for a while, putting it off for another day.

The day I found out, we had had an argument already and I didn't want to have another one. Plus I didn't have the heart to tell him yet because I knew how excited he was for it.

But I just kept putting off telling him, and somehow now he had found out.

"I-I'm sorry," I told him, but he's not listening to me. His back is turned to me, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Sure," he replied, still not facing me.

After that argument, he didn't really talk to me much for the rest of the day. And the entire time I was in Tennessee he wouldn't answer my calls, only sending me short texts.

I felt terrible about it, but, as much as I'm ashamed about it, I enjoyed seeing him upset over it. Not because it hurt him, but because it made me realize the he does actually care.

The thought if seeing him hurt by anyone hurts me now.

In a twisted, sad way, I want to be the only one he cares enough so much for that I can hurt him like that. I don't want him to care enough about any other girl that they can hurt him.

I regret hurting him, knowing that the multiple times I did we're just a small part, yet major part of the destruction of our relationship.




When I wake up, I find myself drained entirely. Despite the thirteen hours of sleep I had, I still can hardly open my eyes.

When I finally drag myself out of bed, I feel like my bones have turned to lead, causing me to literally drag my feet due to my body's weight.

"Good morning, Maddie," Angela says once I'm in the living room. She is sitting on the couch, watching tv.

"Good morning," I reply, a real smile actually coming to my face when I see her wearing pajamas with ninja turtles on them. Here are Leonardo ones, so they're yellow. We bought them a while back and I have a matching pair, except their orange for Michelangelo.

"How did you sleep?" She asks, a smile on her face once she sees the one on mine.

"Not very good," I reply with a shrug, turning and walking into the kitchen.

I get something to eat before returning to my room, sitting down at the desk, turning my laptop on and logging on.

When I open the internet, YouTube comes up since it's my homepage.

Before I can click to open a new tab, my heart starts to beat rapidly and tears appear in my eyes at what I see first.

I'm still subscribed to Kian's YouTube.
Why? I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to unsubscribe.

He just uploaded a video last night titled: "Girlfriend Tag".

The cover of the video is Andrea and kian together and smiling.

Without thinking, I click the video and watch it. All six minutes and forty-seven seconds of it. Then I watch the boyfriend tag on Andrea's channel.

I stare at my screen after watching these videos, not really seeing anything.

My eyes start to burn, along with my body.

Then I shut my laptop and leave my room.

Jealousy burns in my body, making my hands hurt with everything they touch.

Did they really do that?

I regret watching the video, because it reminds me of when Kian and I did the girlfriend and boyfriend tag on his channel.

"Hey guys! It's Kian! And with me today is my gorgeous girlfriend Madison!" Kian said, looking at his camera while I stared at him.
A blush crept up on my cheeks when he called me his girlfriend.

"Hey!" I said awkwardly, waving at the camera.

"So today, we're going to be doing the girlfriend and boyfriend tag!" Kian told the camera. "Basically I'm going to ask her questions about me, then she'll ask me questions about herself. Whoever gets the most right wins!"

"I'm going to win," I announced, giggling when Kian rolled his eyes.

I ended up getting nine right, only missing what his favorite song was because he changed it so much. He missed three, so I won.

I push the painful memories of when me and Kian were happy together out of my mind, trying to get over him.



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Sorry it took me so long! I had a busy week at school!
But I'll try to update this every other day now seeing as it's fall break!

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