The One that got away

Chapter Twelve

We fell silent after I narrated how we’ve met AJ.  Letting ourselves reminisce the past on our own. I’m sure Lexie have thoughts about it too. After how many years of keeping these memories inside me and pushing it to the very end of my mind in order to forget it, it’s as if a heavy burden was lifted from my heart. Not only that I feel relieved but the pain of being humiliated in front of him has been forgotten for a while. The moment I decided to let it go and relive those memories, I am ready for a break down just in case. I would let myself suffer the feeling of regret again but just for today. After tonight I will do what I want to do and will not ever look back with these regrets and broken hearts again.

“I remember” Lexie suddenly spoke then she turn her head and stare at me. “I remember when you told me you like him.”  She waited for what I will say about this.

“Yeah” I remember exactly how I feel about him and how I said it to Lexie.

I liked him first and maybe he liked me because of it. Like he was obliged to but everything has changed when he told me that he liked me first. He said that he’s been watching our practice every day. When I found that out, I was in a cloud nine all the time.  Even though I still have Jeremy but I wanted to be with AJ.

It was a complete mess when I realized that the feelings I have for AJ has gone deeper. The more I tried to hide the greater its transparency. Jeremy was always in doubt to what I say of my whereabouts or who I am with.  I had no one to talk to. Lexie was sent abroad by his parents for a scholarship. She said that it was somewhere in Asia. I had no one but myself. I was lost and angry at everything and everyone. I especially hated myself for feeling that way and making it hard to everyone.

“Sam? Sam?!”  Lexie is shaking my shoulder. I am off to my world again.

“Oh.” I said as if I have forgotten what’s happening tonight.

She sighed. “Did you hear me?”

“Hmmm?” I completely did not hear it. 

She sighed again. “I’m sorry if you have to go through this and I was not there to prevent what happened.” She said and held my hand. The warm of her hands, comforted my freezing hands.

It was already 1 o’clock in the morning and I owe this story with Lexie. Most of all, I promised myself to end it tonight and tell her all. 

“Asked me again, I’ll tell you everything.” I said to Lexie and gave her an assuring smile. I’m okay but I feel a little scared about letting go.

“Ok.” She said and drank her turn of tequila. “Wait!” She stood up and went to the cupboard. She took out two cup noodles and poured hot water on it from the heater.

She asked me again after she set up the cup noodles in front of us.

“So what happened while I was gone?” She asked and starts mixing the seasoning.

“Hmmm… “I paused and take a deep breath. “When you went abroad, I only have AJ every time Jer and I fought.” I paused as I feel my chest tightened. I discretely take a deep breathe because I don’t want Lexie to think that I’m having a hard time talking about it. I am sure she would want me to stop talking and I might not be able to find courage to let this out again.  I cleared my throat before I continue.

“Jer was an asshole!” I grimace at the memory.

I still remember how he treated me. He said that he doesn’t want to lose me but he’s not there when I needed him. He was always with his mates and one time with my cheerleading mates without even telling me. When I confronted him, he said that nothing happened but I feel like my team mates were laughing at me behind my back. I maybe I was just assuming but you know how “woman-instincts works”.