The start of an ending

She's standing on a line b/w Giving up and How much More She Can Take In.

Brandon’s POV

Its midnight, I’m so glad I didn’t let Avan take this room. It has the biggest windows_ right now Ash is lying asleep in my arms; she looks like an angel_ but with bruises. I can’t believe I did that, I swore to myself I’d never hurt her again. I don’t know what comes over me , I just don’t_ I wish I could control my demons instead of letting them control me , not that it’s an excuse or something. I just hate her seeing this way. I never meant it to come to this .I would have destroyed anyone who would have tried to harm her but look at us now; I’m the main source of her pain. I love her so much, so much; I can’t let her walk away. It’s very selfish of me but I can’t. I hate myself for that. I know she deserves better. She has the whole world waiting for her and I’m the only one stopping her. She is destined for greatness .She aims big , she believes in her dreams ,she believes in us , she’s smart and beautiful and knows exactly what she wants _sorry, correction _used to know what she wanted , I’ve messed with her brain, she wanted Beverly Hill/New Hamptons life style , fast car a modern house with wall length window_ she loves windows_ and I could totally see her getting all these things in 10 years , walking on the ramp , people envying her, scoring a son of a billionaire.

 I hate it , I hate what I’ve done with her, I hate it , I hate myself, she hates it but she can’t help herself she loves me, SHE LOVES ME , I LOVE HER. It is that simple, then why is it so difficult?

( big breathe) it the one habit I have developed from ash , she takes breath in breath out in order to calm herself, I thought it was only in movies but now I know it works.

I really am a psychopath, I know I’ve lost my mind, I’m a co-founder of a most-wanted gang, I steal, I kill, I like it, I have trouble sleeping, I hit my girlfriend, the one thing I love most in the whole world and argggghh

Maybe I should take counselling but I think that requires to be totally honest with the shrink and well I can’t tell anyone about the gang. I know ash is right. I should leave this shit but what about the guys? They’re like my brother , most of them don’t have families or have lost thee everything and I dragged them to this  I can’t just leave them and apart from that how would I earn or anything I mean I don’t have job or any sort of education . I do remember my senior year, when all I could think was landing a scholarship but that was before I knew the truth about everything. Ash thinks I should give audition with her, who knows maybe I’ll get in too…

But that not how this works. Life is cruel and we are broke.

Still no can blame her for having some hope. She needs it, otherwise she’ll break. I swear to god, she’s one of the strongest person I’ve ever known and believe me I’ve seen some pretty strong people in my days.

Anyways I know I‘ve made mistakes and I’ve done things wrong and I don’t appreciate her for who she is .I wanna give her everything that’s why I don’t wanna back down. I wanna be the prince she dreams for but sometimes , most of times , I act like an idiot and right now I’m not getting paid but I promise one day it’ll all change. Right now times are thought but I don’t want her to give up on me and say this is just too much. She’s the only one who knows me the best, she’s my other half and I just can’t let her go. If shell only understand that I’m doing this for us for your future, one day picture us, life on the beach one day picture us. This is why I’m always searching for new ways of getting paid_ but all my dreams are ashes; we’re drowning in loan and debt. All I wanted was to shelter her, to tell her truth to see her happy but my demons won’t let me. I just feel like I let her down. I let myself down. All I want her to know is “this is all for you.”

We got bills to pay and the dates due_ I chuckle to myself , if all this doesn’t works out ,I’ll become a pop  rap artist .

(Sigh) what date’s today? Yesterday was, yeah okay. I have to go Toronto, the day after tomorrow , we finally got enough money for plane , I personally have to attend a ‘meeting’ , Ash doesn’t wants me to go , she hates feeling ‘I don’t know if you’ll even come back or not’. I smiled just imagining her face when she says that, that I turn my head to look at her and see, she’s already awake and looking at my face.  She smiles at me, between that pain, that hurting her, ripping her apart. She doesn’t want anyone to see that but I do, I’m the one who gives it to her in the first place.