Fear Of Love

Fear Of Love32

Chapter 32

 “You like it?” Bryce shoved his hand in his pockets

“Bryce it’s gorgeous” I looked around. We were on top of a hill looking down on a pond, full of ducks and geese, and a beautifully manicured garden with fruit trees and wild flowers. I turned to my right and saw a cute little log cabin with a big porch and two windows in the front, perfect for newlyweds or old retired couples who want to get away from the hectic life of the city. I looked over to my left and saw a huge pasture filled with horses and goats and sheep and a small lean-to for the animals when the weather wasn’t agreeable,

“Oh my gosh,” I looked at Bryce “This is amazing”

“You wanna walk?” Bryce motioned towards the pond. I just nodded and followed Bryce to the beginning of a trail.

We walked down the hill until the trail forked; we turned to the left and found ourselves in a tunnel of trees leading to I don’t know where.

“This is amazing” I said looking up at the trees “But I already said that” I laughed

We rounded a corner and I could finally see what that trail lead to. An elegant white bench swing with an archway leaning over it, flowers and vines intertwined into the heart shaped holes that covered it. As we came up to it I could see that the swing was old but it was still magnificent. I sat down and the swing creaked, but not in a scary way, like in an old sturdy comforting way.

“This is really wonderful Bryce, but why did you bring me here?”

“Well I kind of wanted to ask you something” Bryce said and I looked at him

 “Oh?” I asked “What did you want to ask me?”

“Well actually I wanted to tell you something first” He paused, and then continued “This place used to be my Grandpa’s and when I was little I used to spend every moment I could with him, He taught me almost everything I know and when he, uh, passed” Bryce choked on that word and I felt a twinge of pain for him “He left this place to me, knowing that I would take as good of care of it as he did. He told me that he hoped it would bring me, and the woman I chose to marry, as much happiness and peace that it gave him and Grandma when she was still on earth. And so I decided, now that I could support a wife and family, that I wanted to ask you…” Bryce looked around and shoved his hand in his pockets, “Well, I” Bryce took one step closer “I was, um, I mean I wanted, um” He shook his head “This isn’t going to well”

I laughed quietly and looked him in the eyes “What?” I gently urged him to move on

“Brandi” He suddenly dropped to one knee in front of me “I need to know,” He paused and tears came to my eyes. I knew what he was going to say and it pained me because I knew what my answer must be “Would you…”

“Bryce” I choked over a sob “Please. Please don’t continue” He gave me a hurt look and I looked down at my hands in my lap “I know what you are going to say” I said taking his hand “And I’m sorry but…”

“You won’t marry me?” Bryce switched from sad to hurt to upset and then to confused in a matter of seconds

“I can’t, you have to understand”

“Well I don’t” Bryce stood up, dropping my hand

“The Bible says do not be unequally yoked, meaning I can’t marry somebody who doesn’t believe the same things I do” I was still crying

“I do believe the same things you do” Bryce came and sat down next to me and took my hand in his again

“But you haven’t accepted Christ as your savior” I sobbed quietly

“If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it” I stopped crying for a moment

“Bryce it’s so much more than just saying you accept him” I leaned into Bryce and felt the tears welling up in my eyes again “It’s a way of living and of thinking and it won’t be a true relationship if the only reason you become a Christian is to marry me” ‘I’m sorry’ I said in my head. Bryce hung his head

“Do you even love me?” He said. That killed me

“Bryce I love you more than anybody I have ever loved before” I told him through tears

“Then why?” He asked “Why did you go out with me all this time and then now when I want to marry you, you say that I’m not good enough”

“Bryce, I went out with you for this whole time hoping I could show you God’s love and help you become a Christian so I could marry you because I want to be with you. But you never would even go to church with me; I didn’t give up Bryce I tried.

“So this is my fault?” This was getting way off track and I had dug myself into a hole

“No, not at all I’m just trying to show you how much I Love you and how much I wanted this but unless you chose to give your life to God on your own, there’s no way”

“I understand” Bryce hung his head and we just sat there.

I prayed that he really would understand, even if he didn’t now, soon. I had no idea how much love hurt when you had to make a decision like this. It felt like my whole body was numb, my head was throbbing and my heart was pounding. I had a thousand butterflies in my stomach and my tear ducts were about to burst open.

When I was little my Dad was never around and I never really had a man around to love so I tried to find that love in other guys, I never found the right one and soon figured out how much love hurt. I had been heartbroken so many times before and although I had never felt as deep of a pain as I was feeling right now I knew, why I had always had, and probably, would always have such a fear of love.