Chasing the bad girl (DTBG spin-off)

Waiting for it to end (Chapter 5)

Chapter 5

I remember the smell.

I remember him over me.

I remember him unzipping his pants and telling me "River's a big girl" I remember everything.

People deal with traumatizing situations in different ways, some actively go out of their way to ignore that it happened or, to some, happening. Others deal with it by fighting against it, they have accepted what happened to them and they are taking control of their life.

I love my Dad, I always have but after it happened it was almost as if he could not care less. He dropped me off at therapy and then after that I had a weird therapist helping me sort through my emotions- I was just a kid.

Only two years later after that assholes second plea for release was rejected did my father sit down and discuss with me what happened.

I loathe him.

I still go to therapy, not as often as I did. Tonight though, tonight is hard.

I sit on the metal chair listening to a girl recite what happened to her in a low voice, her tears run down her cheeks. Anonymous group therapy, someone online had suggested it and me being the idiot that I am went along with it. Hearing others stories, I regret it. It's not anonymous, I mean it is, people willingly offer their information. I feel like an intruder it seems like this group has been going on for so long these people are almost act like a family with each other. Nobody understood my pain, I tried to tell Elle it didn't work, I tried to tell Ella it also didn't work. Maybe people who felt what I have will get it.

"It's hard." the councilor, also female says, "we have to accept that this happened to us. It wasn't any of our faults. It just happened."

I gulp staring down at my hands my turn, "Um," I begin, gulping I tug on the beanie resting on my head.

"I..." I release a sigh; my hands begin to sweat; the words I am so familiar with refuse to exit my mouth. Never have I recalled the details like this, out loud. Never with my therapist did I mention exactly what happened only what I went through after.

"Do any of you..." I sigh, clearing my throat, the five girls are all sitting on similar metal chairs to mine the circle is big the councilor sitting at the edge of the circle smiles expectantly.

"Don't worry, you don't have to say anything until you are ready. Would you like me to move on?"

I nod, feeling like a whimp.

I know I'll kick myself afterward but right now the words seemed lodged deep in my throat. I close my eyes listening to the next horrifying story.

The next couple of weeks I visit the session again, it is every Thursday and I never miss it. I still haven't spoken a single word at those meetings, damn do I try but something holds me back. I met a wonderful girl named Lolita, she's sweet. Her eyes are a beautiful hazel color and she wears a headscarf, she has nice round cheekbones and is from the UK. She moved here to be away from the UK, for obvious reasons. Her pain was ignited because of a vicious attack of racism.

Today, I decide I will speak.

I need to get it out.

Before we go to the EOU open day this is something I need to deal with, even if it stops the nightmares for a couple of days-heck even for a couple of hours' sleep. Explaining the nightmares to the entire team is going to be hard, guys its fine it's just something that happens. Yeah, right.

As usual in the group, when it gets to me I instinctively say, skip me please. I force myself to stop, I lick my lips "I'm...Um....most of you know me because I introduced myself, but I'm River." I gulp, I turn my ball cap backwards suddenly nervous.