letters to crushes

fifty-fifth

Please stay tuned for the author's note that will be posted after this. :) On with the final letter~

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Dear Chase,

I have loved you. I have loved you for your smile, and the way you're so gentlemanly when it comes to the way you treat girls. I know because I've had a taste of that. I loved you for the way you played basketball, although I've never actually seen you play in an actual game, seeing you practice was enough. The little moments of eye contact that we had every time I pass by the basketball court was the reason I always take the long way back to where I'm supposed to be. I loved your facial expressions. When you smile, it lights up your whole face and god, my heart is doing funny things. When you frown, you look like a confused puppy. It made me question whether I liked seeing you smiling or frowning more.

I have hated you. I have hated you for your smile, the way it mocked me every time I saw you by the halls. It made me want to wipe it off your face. But it mostly made me want to slap you and ask you why, why wouldn't you answer? I hated you for replying to my confession so nicely. It made me think that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't such a bad idea. You wished me a merry Christmas too. It was freaking full of emojis and you're a guy! You said you would keep it a secret. You said you wouldn't tell anybody. But guess what? You did. I hate you for telling your friends. And every time I have to go somewhere is a fucking dilemma because I don't – can't – walk alone because I know if I saw you and your friends you would make fun of me. But you won't approach me. No. You'll just make sure I heard it from where I was. Do you think I enjoy your attention? Maybe you don't mean to make me feel bad for having a crush on you, but you fucking made me regret ever having any sort of feelings for you. Maybe it's all just a game for you and your friends. Maybe you're the one they're really making fun of, for not approaching me even though I already said that I like you. But fuck you and fuck them.

I think I can let go of you now. I am tired of being angry one moment and sad the next because of you. I am so tired of being confused about my feelings. But everything is clear now. You are and never were worth my time and effort. It's taken me way too long to realize that.

I'm letting you go.

Goodbye,

C

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And this has been letters to crushes.