Submitted by a user who wished to remain anonymous.
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"Wake up!" a voice crept through her lethargic brain, but she just mumbled something incoherent back. It couldn't be time for school already. Just moments ago she had fallen asleep. Sleep.
"...Emergency room..." That voice said again, persistent. She only heard a few words, not realizing their meaning.
"Mmm? That's nice." She spoke barely above a whisper, eyes not even open and her brain telling her to wake up, screaming for her to wake up but her blankets lull her in. The cold medicine she had taken before bed helped lull her back. Sleep.
The next time someone entered her room and turned on the light, she was much more awake. Her eyes opened and she was startled. Why was her father waking her up? Something was amiss. Her anxiety grew as he came and sat beside her instead of tickling her toes like he would to wake her up when she was a child. "Do you remember what happened?" His eyes were heavy, his face showed his evident exhaustion. Not the I stayed up all night to finish my book type of exhaustion, it was more than that. Mental exhaustion. Physical exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion.
"Vaguely." She replied, wanting nothing more at that moment than to hide under her covers and let sleep take her back to a place where trouble was non-existent. "Something to do with an emergency room, I think." Her mind was racing one hundred miles a minute. Trying to figure everything out, ruling out situations.
He took a minute to answer, searching for the words, searching for the strength to say them, searching. "It was your sister." Oh. He didn't even have to elaborate for the pieces to click into place, coming together vividly in her mind. Her voice cracked as she spoke, and she hated that. Even though she doubted it, she was hoping to be wrong in her assumption, hoping with every part of her being.
"What happened?"
The only reason he heard her question was because of his closeness to her. "She took three bottles of antidepressants last night. Mom is with her at the hospital right now." She's alive. She's alive. She's alive. Those three words on an endless loop in her mind, would be on an endless loop in her mind for the remainder of the day.
"Okay."
"You don't have to go to school today unless you want to."
"I'll stay."
"You sure?" There was silence in the room for a minute or two.
"Actually, I think I'll go, if that's all right." She felt guilt seep into her heart for wanting to go, but she had exams to think about, but more than that she wanted her sense of normal back. She wanted time to go back. If she went to school, everything would be normal and she would see her sister sitting with her friends, and they would ignore each other until the end of the school day when they argued over whose turn it was to grab their younger brother. That was how they worked. They sat in silence or they fought, and occasionally, if it was a good day for her, they would go do something completely random, driving around town, lost but not caring, blasting Stu Larson. They would both sing all the songs, they would both sing poorly on purpose because neither of them could actually sing all that well. The windows would be rolled down and she would wear her aviators and I would wear the pair of purple sunglasses that she got from a college that visited her class. But that wouldn't happen. Not while her sister was lying in the hospital.
The car ride to school was quiet. She hardly ever talked in the car, but her younger brother never stopped talking in the car. His quietness that morning set her on edge. In the rearview mirror she could see him yawn, leaning against the car door, eyes fluttering shut. He had been up since it happened. He didn't really understand the situation, but he could understand the emotions in the house. Everything was heavy. Gravity seemed to be more evident, dragging everything down, putting things in slow motion. Legs had invisible weights tied to them. Mouths weredragged down, making it impossible to smile.
The effect didn't wear off when she got out of the house, when she got in the car, when she entered the school. But the farther she went from home, the less widespread it was, until it affected only her, and allowed everyone around her to smile.
This isn't fair! She screamed in her mind. How did the people around her not understand why they shouldn't be smiling and laughing with their friends? How did they not understand that their happiness was making her miserable? How did they not understand? Trying to shut her brain off, she grabbed what she needed from her locker and slid down onto the floor, pulling out her phone to try and distract her. And it worked, at least until her sister's best friend came to talk to her.
The conversation was quiet, until she couldn't hold the tears in anymore. She had done so well up till this point. She stood up and they embraced for a long time. She hated it. Absolutely hated it with every fibre in her body. Her main rule was to never cry at school unless seriously injured. If she couldn't hold it in, she had to be in the bathroom, locked in a stall, all alone. She was supposed to be the one in the class with their all life together. She wished her life was all together.
KKKK)+{
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The Suicide Story
Non-Fiction'The Suicide Story' is a collection of poems, short stories, letters, advice, and so on to raise awareness and vent about the struggles of living with/around mental illness. This is a collaborative project where users can submit with a dedication, o...
