Ana|l.h

ten

[caleigh]

After he left, I was kinda relieved. No more trying to impress him, I could finally just be me. It's hard enough trying to keep to myself for six hours a day and then having to refine myself for another hour.

He was giving me mixed signal in class and when we were working on our project. I couldn't tell if he liked me or not because he kept looking up at me every five seconds. And I guess I started to come off a little bitchy, but I really don't care anymore to be honest.

Don't get me wrong, Luke is hot and I'm very attracted to him, but I doubt he has the same feelings towards me. He could have any girl he wants in our entire school filled with dumb hoes, but he seems to ignore them. He seems lonely and sad.

Jordan walked in my room and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"So I'm guessing Jack Skeleton is gone." She says, with a serious face.

"Jordan, you can't say that about people!" I said, trying not to laugh.

"I'm sorry." She said, "But that kid has to be anorexic or something."

The expression on my face changed.

"But anyways, I came here to tell you dinner's ready."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. Soph asked me to come over to help her study for finals." Jordan nodded, then got up.

I got up too, grabbing some extra money on the table next to my bed. I walked down the stairs and out of my house to the car.

I began driving away in the opposite direction of Sophia's house. But where was I going?

I was tired and just wanted to be away from everything I had. My life has been a constant battle between happiness and hell.

It all started the summer going into high school. Sophia taught me everything that made me what I am.

"Here you go." Zara said, handing Jessica and I ice cream sandwich, "Soph, do you want one?"

"Nah, I'm good." She said, twirling a strand of blonde hair between her fingers, " I'm going on a diet."

"But you're so skinny." Jessica said.

"But I could be skinnier." She said, "Maybe Caleigh could join me."

I put down my ice cream sandwich that was half eaten.

"I mean if you wanna lose weight, that's your decision. Just make sure it's safe." Zara said, taking a sip of lemonade.

"What do you mean?" I asked, clearly confused.

"Just don't starve yourself or try puking is all I'm saying." Zara continued.

"People do that?" I asked horrified.

"Yeah! Want me to show you?" Sophia asked, jumping up.

"Soph, stop it!" Jessica said, giving her a look.

"Whatever. You'd be thanking me." She said still standing.

That sparked my interest into a new world I never knew about, but it wasn't until a few weeks before we started freshman year that it started.

I was home alone and decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try throwing up. Sophia had walked in and saw what I was doing. She told me how to do it the right way. And I haven't stopped since then.

All I've ever wanted was to be pretty. For every boy to want me under them. To make other girls jealous. And sadly, it's the opposite.

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite beach. I've never swam here, but it's my favorite place for long walks.   I walk down the beach until I find a secluded area with large rocks. I sit down and pull out a cigarette.

The smoke fills up my lungs, then exhales into the wind. Smoking kills, but that's why I smoke. To get out of this miserable fucking world.

I'm just so tired and I want someone to hold me. I want my issues gone, but that's so unrealistic.

There had always been a part of me that thought maybe Sophia was right. Maybe if I was skinny someone would love me. And I've always hated her for that. She got every guy she wanted, she didn't have to try.

I started cutting when my parents got a divorce. They were up all night fighting, throwing things and screaming at the top of their lungs. My dad left when I was in tenth grade and my mom changed so much. She picked out every flaw in my sister and myself. She thought she was too good for her family and decided to work up to the best and wouldn't come home until three in the morning.

And everything has been so much harder for me ever since ana came along. She was my best friend even though she's not real. It would be nice though, to have someone actually there. Someone to hold me. Some to love me. That will never happen.

And my life will always fucking suck, but I'll just have to learn to deal.

(a/n: finally a new update! Hope you guys like this in Caleigh's pov)