Let Me Open Your Eyes

Chapter 13 - Surrounded But Alone

{"If I knew what safety looked like

               I would have spent less time falling into arms that were not"}

That night, my mother returned with red eyes and a snow covered hat over her hair. She barely looked me in the eye before going up to her bedroom, claiming to be suffering from a headache. Noticing my concerned gaze, she smiled at me and told me that she was simply tired from helping at the library all day. But I could see the slight smudge of make up under her eyes where she had been crying, and the slight strain in her voice as if it was tired from yelling all day.

The phone rang five times that night, and one time I decided to pick it up silently.

"Hello? Is anybody there? Look, Karen, can you please just stop ignoring me and let me come home for god's sake! Think about our daughter, she needs me right now more than ever, lying will not fix everything!"

I hung up.

...

I went to school the next morning with a churning feeling in my stomach like I was going to be sick. My forehead was slick with sweat and I could barely breathe after stepping inside the crowded school hallways. I had been through these episodes before, where everything built up and my anxiety went haywire. I wouldn't even be thinking of anything that would cause me dread or make me feel sick, but the feeling would stick around as if I had the flu, but it all seemed to be inside my head.

"You feeling okay, Paise?"

Megan's voice made my stomach churn once more. I turned around slowly from where her calculating eyes were watching me closely, and nodded quickly.

She smiled sympathetically and grasped onto my arm, squeezing it tight. "Don't worry. I know you have always found school a bit tough, but this is why you have us, right? We won't let you leave our sight, you wouldn't want to be all alone would you?"

I shook my head quickly, smiling at her slowly before continuing to look around nervously. She kept her hand around my arm, rubbing reassuring circles on my shoulder.

"Great, come on. We have Chemistry together first period."

Her grip on me was tight, like an anchor guiding me through the hallways. But despite her presence, I felt more alone than ever before.

Once we finally arrived at the classroom with Aria and Veronica trailing behind us, Megan pulled me down to sit next to her, her arm still snug around my arm. Giving me one last look and letting go of my arm, she looked around with a slight frown.

"Where's Mr Fernando?" she turned around to ask Aria who shrugged her shoulders in reply.

"Apparently he's sick. We have a new supply teacher today that has never been here before" Veronica filled in and they started murmuring about him. My gaze was on the clock, my foot tapping against the floor impatiently already wanting this day to be over like all of the others.

Moments later, a thin yet tall man with a green tie walked in, running a hand through his messy blonde hair that had bits of silver running through it. He looked sweaty but his smile didn't falter.

"Good morning, class. I'm your sub for the day, Mr Abbots. Sit quietly for a few minutes while I get myself sorted out."

Hearing giggles, I turned around suddenly, my eyes wide and panicked. The two girls at the back of the class pointed to the new teacher and I let out a breath, sinking down into my seat slowly. Megan noticed and sent me a frown.

"I need someone to hand these books out for me. Today we will be reading A Midsummer Night's Dream...what about you? Girl with the blue shirt?"

Horror filled my senses as I looked up slowly, locking gazes with the man who was smiling kindly at me. I felt everyone turn around and look at me, confused as I sat frozen simply looking at his fading smile. I shook my head quickly, looking down at my shoes and holding my breath.

Looking back up, his lips had curved into a small disapproving frown.

"Excuse me? What is your name?"

My eyes pricked with tears and I played with my gold ring to hide the shake in my hands.

"Excuse me? Did you not hear me? Young lady, it is impolite to ignore your teacher."

Everyone in the room burst out laughing but three girls, who immediately stood up and gathered around my desk protectively.

"Hey! Don't speak to her like that" Aria snapped. "You don't even know her."

"Sir, excuse me, but that is not right" Veronica continued, gently placing her hand on the back of my chair. "You shouldn't speak to her like that."

"But-" the man seemed lost for words, simply frowning at the girls.

"Mr Abbots" Megan smiled sympathetically. "I understand that you are a sub teacher that knows none of us. But you do not address students like that.."

"Young lady-"

"Paisley doesn't talk" Megan rested her cold hand on top of my sweaty one and it made me freeze, squeezing my eyes shut. "Not to you, not to anyone. All of our teachers are aware, and I understand that you weren't. However, it may have been better if you asked what was wrong before calling her rude."

"I had no idea about this" Mr Abbots turned his nose up slightly yet seemed concerned. "Of course, I did not mean to cause offence. I shall go and speak to one of the other teachers to clarify of course, and to find out what work Paisley will be doing instead as today's activity is reading out loud."

He stormed out of the room quickly and whispered continued, everyone glancing at me from the corners of their eyes. Megan squeezed my hand and tucked a piece of brown hair behind my ear softly.

"You okay? He was rude, I'm so sorry, Paise."

"Totally out of line" Aria nodded along and Veronica's presence behind me amplified the feeling in my stomach.

They sat around me for the entire lesson, telling me that everything would be okay and that they were there for me. That they would always be there right beside me. It usually would have comforted me, but this time it simply set a horrible feeling in my stomach, like the dread when you know something awful is about to happen but you don't know what.

...

Looking down at the spaghetti on my plate, I swirled the noodles around my fork carefully before reaching to take a bite.

"You sure you want to eat? You looked pretty ill earlier, Paise. Is that going to help?" Megan's voice was quiet and kind.

I looked down at the plate of pasta, the buttery noodles coated in oil and the meat sauce, steam rising from it gently. Food was such a great comfort to everyone, and when I felt anxious I seemed to cram even more of it down my throat, hoping that it would somehow make what I was feeling go away. Usually it would work, before the guilt crept in, the bile raising up my throat and then the panic that I would have to get rid of it. But that was something I could never do.

Back when I stopped talking, my parents gave me soft foods, like mashed potato or soup and ice cream. Almost as if they believed deep down that it was something that could be cured as easily as a sore throat. I found it hard to eat and the sandwiches made for me every day would simply end up in the trash can in the cafeteria.

Looking back up at Megan's sympathetic gaze, the tub of salted caramel ice cream filled my mind, lingering in my mind like a bad dream.

I smiled at her tightly, grabbing my tray of food with shaky hands before dropping it in the trash can by the door.

She sent me beaming smile, grasping my arm and leading me back to the table.

Megan had always been my anchor. But the thing about anchors is that their sole purpose is to drag you down.