About an hour and a half after both had fallen asleep, Jillian stirred. She turned over on her side, somehow not disturbing Jeff. She sighed and groaned as she tried to find a comfortable spot again. Eventually, she gave up and stared at the ceiling, no longer even bothering to keep her eyes closed. She glanced over to Jeff, who was still asleep, but certainly did not look it with his lack of eyelids. She again turned her head to look back at the white ceiling.
Suddenly, Jillian had a strange sense pulse through her. She had not felt this in years, and had hoped to never have it return. It was as though someone had just hit a self-destruct button, or that they were about to, that she was about to.
This did not make any sense. She was just perfectly happy before she fell asleep. Jeff had just kissed her, and they had fallen asleep together. That was idealistic to most teenagers; her mind should not have awoken her with these thoughts when she was just fine. She was most certainly not reacting properly.
It wouldn't hurt, a voice in her head said. You can use his knife. We both know it is sharp enough. You wouldn't feel a thing.
This was wrong. Jillian figured that her subconscious was still in shock for the prior day's events. However, she noted, if it was her subconscious, she most likely would not have heard a voice.
What are you waiting for?
Another thing that bothered her: she could not control the voice in her head, which she should have been able to, to some extent. Then, her mind flashed to the points in her life that she tried to forget and move on from. The times where she reached the point of truly not caring what happened to her or what she did to herself.
We hurt ourselves to broadcast the pain.
Jillian was frozen as her mind raced through all the images it could pull up.
We can make the pain go away, make sure it never comes back.
"Shut up." She whispered softly, not trying to wake Jeff beside her. She was going to get loud, she could feel it. She decided she should leave the room. Jillian sat up slowly and crawled off the edge of the bed and moved towards the door.
You're forgetting something. The voice hissed.
Jillian's breath had increased as she tried to fight her own version of bloodlust. However, the voice was getting louder, screaming inside her head. She just wanted it to be quiet. So, she turned around and walked back to the bed. She gently slipped her hand into the pocket of Jeff's hoodie and pulled out the knife, watching his to see if he showed any signs of waking up. He didn't, and Jillian continued her walk to the bathroom with the knife in her hand. She closed and locked the door behind her.
Come on and do it. We both know you want to.
Jillian put the knife on the counter and looked into the mirror. What was happening? This should not be her response to the situation. There was not even anything to respond to.
I said, do it! The voice shouted at her.
"Why not just pull out the stitches?" Jillian asked herself.
Awe, because that would be no fun. You wouldn't actually be doing anything. What would the fun in that be?
"Fun?"
Fun. We're going to have some fun tonight.
"I don't need your fun."
Oh, really? Then let me give you something to think about. This is temporary. Happiness, contentment, joy, it's all temporary. What happens when it all goes away, when it feels like you cannot even function. We'd do anything to make it end; to make the pain go away. I'm giving you a way to get out. Relief. Peace. You should be thanking me. You'll never have to feel that way again, wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone anymore. We could just be…gone. Gone! It's perfect! It's ideal!
Unfortunately, what the voice was saying made sense. She put the blade of the knife to her wrist, and then looked up at the mirror again. She had not felt a blade in a while, and it was nice to feel one again. In fact, she giggled. She laughed and smiled a huge psychotic grin to her reflection in her mirror, the voice in her head mimicking the sounds she made. Then, she paused and caught herself.
"I've gotten pass feeling like this before, so why should I not be able to beat it this time?" The voice was silent in response. "First, I don't have a reason to listen to you. Nothing's wrong. Second, relief? Relief is a feeling. I cannot feel anything if I am dead. Therefore relief is pointless." There was silence again. "Third, you don't know me." She slammed the knife down.
I am you.
"No. You're the part of me that I tried to get rid of years ago."
Looks like that plan didn't really work out, now did it bitch? If you had really wanted me gone, I would have disappeared a long time ago. You wouldn't have a fucking suicide stigma still clinging onto you!
"Shut up."
Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! You can't shut me up! I am you. You can't get rid of me! You can't silence me! I'm everything you tried to shut into a box and keep from ever getting out again! Why? Why would you do that?! Because you can't face the fact that you're a monster! You're a monster just like him, only much more fun to watch! I'm everything about yourself that you tried to run away from! YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOURSELF. DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TEACH YOU THAT?!
The voice was screaming and laughing hysterically. Jillian grabbed the knife; she glanced at the mirror again. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were wide, but her pupils narrowed. She looked like she was about to kill someone.
You were. You're just like him. The voice laughed. I didn't know insanity was contagious.
Jillian walked out of the bathroom and back to her own, where Jeff was still sleeping soundly, while she was battling a war within her head. She put the knife down and opened the night stand beside her bed. "I know how to keep you quiet."
There's only one way to get away from me.
Jillian crawled back in the bed and opened the pill bottle she had just retrieved. She poured out two sleeping pills, tossed them in her mouth, and swallowed.
You bitch.
She then lied back in the bed and closed her eyes. The voice continued to scream and yell at her, but it faded away as the drugs began to pulse through her system.
I'll get you eventually not updating for a while
