Life in Color (Lesbian)

Safe

Safe

                We didn’t talk for a while, we just lay there, her fingers brushed against my bare stomach and my arm around her. Our popsicle sticks were on the nightstand and my eyes were drifting closed.

                “Don’t go to sleep yet.” She murmured.

                “I won’t, we’ve still got to make dinner.”

                “Let’s stay here a minute though.”

                “We can stay here as long as you want.” I assured her.

                “I hate them.”

                “I do too.”

                She just trailed her fingers over them for a little longer. She then pulled away from my grasp and slid down so that she could see them better. In any other circumstance, being able to feel her breath on my stomach would’ve turned me on. Right now, I just wanted to cover myself up and run out of the house. I was nervous, scared, ashamed, and cowardly.

                She brushed her lips against one of the bruises and I felt something wet fall onto my stomach. A tear. I sat up and pulled her up to look at me at the same time. We were both sitting up now, her face in my hands and wet with tears. I brushed them away with my thumbs and kissed her softly.

                “I want to tell you it will be alright, that it won’t happen again, anything that will make you feel the slightest bit better. I want to see you smile. I want to hear that laugh. I want to make dinner and talk to you about where you want to go in life. I want to cuddle on the couch without this being in the way. I want to kiss you and test how far you’ll let me go, or how far I’ll let myself go. I just want you to forget this all and be happy again. I miss your smile. What can I do to make you happy? That’s all I ever want to do.”

                She wrapped her arms around me tightly and I hesitated a moment before hugging her back. “You make me happy. This,” her hand trailed down to my stomach, “I hate this. You make me happy. I want to help, I wish you’d let me help, but…I can’t. I guess I need to learn to accept that. I probably won’t ever be okay with it, but…I need to find a way not to let it stop everything good about this.” She brushed her lips along mine and then moved to my cheek and kissed me there too. “I can’t stop having fun with you or smiling with you or…falling for you because of this. There’s more than just this. And while I hate it with every bone in my body, I can’t let that stop everything good about this.”

                Did she say falling for me?

                Are you falling?

                I don’t know. I admitted.

                I guess the better question is, have you already fallen?

                I didn’t answer that one, I just hugged her tighter. “There’s a lot of good about this. Don’t let that ruin this. Please. I want this. I want us.”

                “I can’t say it won’t be part of this, that it won’t affect us, but it won’t take up everything. I can try to be happier though. There’s better things to focus on than that.”

                We sat there, holding one another for a while before I kissed her forehead and looked into those beautiful green eyes. I had the urge to tell her about the dreams, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to seem crazy to her. Instead I asked, “What do you want for dinner?”