Love Led By Loss

Chapter 1

*8 months ago*

Once something happens that changes your life, either for good or for bad, it never leaves your mind. You're always stuck living with the moment where you lost something but you can enjoy those moments when you gain something. You can look back and remember the exact sadness or tragedy, or the exact happiness and what made the happiness.

So far in my life, I've had five of those moments and one that's still undecided.. There were more examples of loss then gain. But I've continued living through them.

The first loss I ever dealt with, was when I was three years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My dad had come home from work, it had been a really stressful day and all he wanted was one more beer.. At least, that's what he told my mom after every beer she had given him. When eight o'clock had finally rolled around, my dad was wasted. The statement "Maybe you've had enough to drink for one night," had been said. I don't remember who it was that said it, but it made my dad angry. Angry at everybody in the house.

Each of us got hit, even my mom. He was throwing glasses and beer bottles at everybody he saw, and if you tried to run, he'd hit you with his belt or with his hand. After that night, he loved the feeling of power so much, he did it every night.

I don't remember ever being as hurt as we were the first night. The fear got worse, but the pain became more bearable.

The second, was a loss and a gain. It was when my mom finally got my dad to leave. She didn't call the cops. She didn't threaten him or hit him back. She simply told him that if he left, she would pay him. She would keep us kids and send him part of her paycheck every month. She promised not to tell anybody if he just left. She would send out the divorce papers and if he never appeared at our house again, no one would ever know that he had hit us. 

The third was a gain. A simple gain. My mom met Jinston, my step dad. At first she didn't know what she thought of him. But by the time they had finished talking, and he apologized for the fifth time for running into her at the store, my mom was in love. It was obvious. She came home and couldn't stop talking about him. They had exchanged numbers and decided that they were going to go out for a night. It turns out, the run in had left Jinston in love with my mom, just like it had left her in love with him.

The fourth also happened to be a gain. My mom and Jinston had finally gotten married. They had been dating sense May of two thousand nine, two  months after my thirteenth birthday. They had gotten married May twenty third, exactly three years after they had started dating. I couldn't have been happier from my mom.

My fifth life changing experience was the most recent. Only thirty two hours after my seventeenth birthday, my mom and Jinston were in a horrible car accident that left their bodies completely broken and lifeless. 

Thirty Two hours after my seventeenth birthday I lost the two people that had been helping me through the heartbreak of all my brothers leaving. The two people that helped me heal after my dads final wounds. The people that helped me through all the pain and bullies for four years. I lost them. Who did I have now?

Now here I am. On a plane heading to New Jersey to live with my thirty-two year old brother and his seventeen year old son. Not able to decide if this is a gain or a loss. I mean sure, they let me decide not to go with my dad. They let me choose not to go live with the grandparents that I hadn't seen in years. But, I was leaving my childhood behind. No mom and no dad. All my friends were back at the school we have all gone to for our entire lives. All the memories were left to die. And I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing. 

I didn't know what to think of anything anymore. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to curl back up in my bright blue bed and cry. Just like I had been doing for the past week. I just wanted to cry without anybody around to bother me. But I couldn't. I couldn't cry on the plane while sitting between two old ladies. I just couldn't. I had to be strong until I saw my big brother. I had to be strong until my big brother gave hug me and told me everything would be alright. I had to.