Survivor's Guilt (A Jay McGuiness fanfiction)

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

*Six months later*

Jay let out a sigh and sat on the end of his bed. They’d not long returned from a long day at the studio and he was tired, but it was still too early to warrant going to bed. Instead, he kicked off his shoes, propped his pillows up the backboard of his bed and sat, cross-legged, with his laptop on his lap. While the computer booted itself up, Jay let his eyes wander around his room. Everything was the same as it always had been, but it had all felt different for a while- like none of it was important anymore. The computer finished waking itself up and Jay immediately pulled up Google, just like he had done almost daily for months.

 The problem he had now was that he was hitting walls quicker than ever. No matter what he tried putting into the search bar, the same articles and websites came up, and Jay was certain that’s read and re-read every single one of them. No matter how far Jay thought he’d searched, he still found no traces of her. The only useful thing he knew was her name.

Avery. Just Avery. That was all.

 If they’d had longer to talk before they’d become somewhat...distracted, he might have gotten her number; and he wouldn’t have had to trawl the internet for hours looking for her. He just wanted to apologise for not keeping his promise. That was all. He was sure that when he saw that she was ok with her husband and her job that things would go back to the way they were before for him too.

 Jay wasn’t totally sure how long he’d sat there by the time there was a knock on his door. He’d somehow managed to drag up a webpage that he didn’t think he’d seen before, so Jay’s attention could only allow him to grunt an acknowledgment rather than actually answer. He raised his eyes momentarily to see Nathan wander in before looking back to the screen.

 “Why are you sitting in the dark?” Nathan asked when he entered, making Jay look up and properly take in his surroundings for the first time in what he now knew must have been hours. The sky outside the window was totally black, dotted with the occasional star and a dull but warm orange glow from the streetlamp. The curtains were still open and the light still off, both neglected in the absence of Jay’s attention to time passing. It had been light when he started, so it made Jay realise just how long he’d been at his computer.

Again.

And found nothing.

Again.

“I dunno,” Jay mumbled absently “I got distracted, I guess.” He dragged himself up and started stretching out cramped, sore limbs while Nathan ambled over to the light-switch, flicked it on, making Jay squint in the sudden brightness, and pulled the curtains closed.

“We’re going out for food, you coming?” Nathan questioned, heading back towards the door, looking at Jay expectantly, like he was supposed to be following.

 “Err, no, I’m alright.” Jay replied “I’m just going to stay here and do...stuff.”

Nathan watched Jay’s eyes flutter over to the laptop and instantly knew what ‘stuff’ translated as.

“Mate,” he sighed, slightly irritably “You’ve got to forget this girl.”

“I can’t and you know I can’t.” Jay growled in a low, almost curt tone. He didn’t mean to be sharp, but he was tired of hearing that he should try and forget Avery. People told him from every direction that he should move on, but he didn’t know how to make them all see how hard that was for him to even think about, never mind actually do.

“Look Jay, I just think-“ Nathan started before Jay cut him off.

“I know what you think!” Jay snapped “Everyone tells me often enough what they think, but guess what Nath? You weren’t there! You don’t know what it was like, and I hope you never do, so how about you just leave me alone, yeah?”

Nathan looked hurt for a second before lowering his gaze and giving small nod “Have a good night mate.”

Jay felt a pang of guilt when Nathan walked out and closed the door quietly behind him, but it was curbed by his irritation at himself. He ran a hand through his hair and slammed the laptop closed in frustration.

Did no one realise that he knew he was being irrational? Was it so hard to comprehend that he’d tried- really tried to move on with his life, and it never worked?

 For the first time since it happened, Jay found himself asking himself if it was really worth it. Then he remembered everything that happened and saw her face so clearly, almost like a photograph in his head, and he knew the answer.

The weak January sun shone through the large windows of the train, but Jay was too flustered to notice. Another thirty seconds, and he would have missed the train, and he was struggling to find somewhere to sit. The train wasn’t a modern one; it was one with compartments rather than rows of seats, and Jay was almost reminded of the Hogwart’s express as he made his way down the corridor that ran the length of the train. He sighed dejectedly as he passed full spaces, crowded with people, and he didn’t particularly feel like being cramped for the entire journey back to London.

 Jay let out a small sigh of relief when he finally found a compartment with only one other person in it. He knocked gently on the glass of the door and the woman spun around to look at him. She looked to be about Jay’s age, maybe a little older, with deep, china blue eyes and long golden hair that shone as the light hit it. Jay gave a slightly sheepish grin and slid open the door.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” He asked “Everywhere else is full.”

The woman’s expression softened into a smile and she nodded earnestly.

“Go ahead,” she replied in a soft, delicate voice.

Jay stepped inside, pulling his bag behind him and closed the door again. He put his bag on the overhead shelf, and sat at the other end of the opposite bench. The woman shot him a small smile and returned to watching their journey pass out the window.

 Jay took the opportunity to take a proper look at her. Her blonde hair was long, flowing down her back, shimmering in the light like water. She was wearing a fitted denim jacket and dark jeans that emphasised the slimness of her hips. The bottom of a floral shirt hung under her jacket, and her feel were clad in sparkly black shoes with a slight heel. Looking at her, Jay wouldn’t have thought that she was very tall, which only added to her petite frame.

 When he saw her head move, Jay quickly looked away and pretended to look at his phone, hoping she hadn’t noticed that he’d been looking.

“I don’t smell you know,” she said with a light chuckle, breaking the silence that had fallen over the two of them. Jay looked up and blinked at her, confusion furrowing his brow.

“I’m sorry?” he replied, seeing her grin at him.

“I mean, you don’t have to sit all the way down there.” She answered “I don’t bite much, I promise.”

Jay let out a small laugh and moved down the bench, perching himself opposite her. He had to admit, the idea of a whole journey in silence hadn’t been too appealing, so having someone to talk to made him smile.

“I’m Jay.” He told her, sticking out his hand for her to shake.

“Nice to meet you Jay,” she answered, taking his hand “I’m Avery.”