Three Weeks, Nine Months, A Lifetime

Chapter 12

There was a baby in here. There was a freaking baby in here.

            I tried to sit up before remembering I had to stay in this position on my back. In the end, I squinted my eyes, blinked them multiple times, even shook my head for good measure. It was like a mini baby, curled up against one side of my womb.

            I could actually see it. It was all blurry—from both the screen and my tears—and it wasn’t really doing anything, but I could see it. This was Matt’s baby. I mean… it was real. It was really, really real.

            “Wow,” I whispered, and then I shut my mouth when I realized I hadn’t meant to say anything out loud. Mom and Dad could have seen this. I actually would have invited them if they hadn’t had to leave to Spain to visit some old friends.

            They said they would have stayed, but honestly, I wasn’t going to force them. Besides, Diane was here and Dr. Tang was here. They were enough for now.

            Struggling to keep my emotions at bay, I said, “I forget. Do I find out the gender today?”

            “Not yet,” Dr. Tang told me. “You’re going to have to wait another six to eight weeks for that.”

            “Okay.” I realized suddenly that I really wanted to know.

            “Any preference?”

            I relaxed my shoulders, looking at the ceiling, as if that might have the answer. “Hm.” I shrugged then, bringing my eyes back to the doctor. “Not really. I mean, I think I’m giving him or her up for adoption anyway.”

            “Well, you can still have a preference.”

            I shook my head. “I don’t have one. Trying to think about it now… I guess it feels like a guessing game to me, you know.”

            Dr. Tang gave me a smile. And then she went on about my health, telling me how much sleep I should be getting, how much food I should be eating… When she dismissed me, I headed back out to the waiting room, all my emotions seemingly mixed together in one big pot.

            Was I happy about the sonogram? Was I sad? What was I supposed to be feeling?

            Unfortunately, the answers weren’t anywhere reachable, so I swallowed my questions.

            “Did it go okay?” Diane asked me.

            “Yeah,” I said, smiling, surprised by how cheery my voice sounded. “It never felt so real before. In a few months, I’ll have an actual baby.”

            “It feels amazing, doesn’t it?”

            “Yeah, only… I wish Matt was here. It’s not fair he has to miss all of this.”

            Diane always got this concerned look in her eye every time I brought up Matt, and she always went tight lipped too, never really responding to what I’d said, like anything she said could break me. “Do you want to come to my house for lunch?” she suddenly asked.

            The question made me blink. “Well… I’m not doing anything for lunch. Sure. I’d love to.”

            It was Saturday afternoon, the first day of spring break. Melissa was out of town with her family, off to Hawaii to get a tan and look even hotter than she already was. Elaine was here, but I knew she’d want to spend most days with Sammy.