Three Weeks, Nine Months, A Lifetime

Chapter 7

I was in a church, sitting with my two best friends on one side and my family on the other, watching with blurry eyes and listening with dazed ears to someone drone on about what a great guy Matt was.

            And I was surrounded by people in black.

            It was the Saturday after his death, and I hadn’t even been able to look at his family or any of his pictures or revisit any of the places we had shared because I was scared I would break down.

            I hadn’t gone to school either, which definitely worried my friends, but Elaine and Melissa had made it a point to visit me everyday, and my parents almost never left my side. My brother… he seemed sad that Matt was gone, considering that they had been friends too, but he never showed it.

            Honestly, I thought I deserved a pat on the back for the way I’d kept my emotions on hold that day. As I sat in the pew, I kept my head facing straight ahead, and I even managed to keep the tears from my eyes. Whenever someone who knew me as his girlfriend looked my way sadly, I stiffened my resolve to appear completely and utterly emotionless.

            Even though their looks made me want to cry my heart out.

            I was emotionally worn out. All I wanted to do was go back to bed, close my eyes, and forget for a few hours that this had happened. I didn’t want to listen to stories about Matt. I didn’t want anything to do with him, actually.

            But this was what I got.

            Melissa, sitting next to me, reached over and squeezed my hand, like she could read my mind or something. Only then did I notice that my cheeks were wet, the tears I had been struggling so hard to hold back finally coming out. I refused to let it mark me with a sign of weakness though, and I used my other hand to wipe them away.

            “…didn’t deserve to die young, but sometimes, God takes away our loved ones for a good reason. Let’s all remember what a good person Matt was and hope he’s in a happier place now.”

            What was a happier place? I hadn’t thought about it before, but trying to envision Matt on the brink of death, trying to imagine what he must have been feeling, scared me. Had he even thought about me? Or had I not been in his thoughts during his last few moments alive?

            Had he even wanted to see me, lying on that hospital bed?

            I hadn’t talked to his parents since that night, except when they called to tell me when and where the funeral was. I should have been flattered that they’d bothered to invite me, but sitting here now, it seemed like they’d invited the entire school.

            I wasn’t special for being Matt’s girlfriend. I wasn’t special for loving him. I wasn’t special for carrying his baby. I was just no one, no one to the Carson family. I decided there that I wasn’t going to make it my job to tell them I was pregnant. If they found out, that is, it wouldn’t be from me.

            The funeral procession ended a few minutes later, but everyone lingered to talk to each other and offer mournful condolences to the family and anyone who had been close to Matt.

            “Tissa, I know how close you and Matt were,” one of my classmates said.

            I knew her, but we’d never really spoken before. Maybe it was just the atmosphere of such a fresh death that made people bolder to do what they were doing. But did they even mean it?

            “Thank you,” I said to her.

            She gave me a tight smile and then walked away.

            A blonde girl a few steps away made eye contact with me, and I recognized Sadie’s smile, even though it was a lot sadder now. She walked up to me and gave me a hug, even though we’d only ever met once. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but her expression told me she was trying to make up her mind.

            “I—“ I started.

            “Tissa, I don’t know how you’re not crying,” Sadie said. “You’re allowed to cry, you know.”

            I shifted positions uncomfortably. “I think I’ve cried too much already,” I told her. “But thank you.”

            Sadie nodded in understanding. “I wish I could…” She covered her mouth with a hand and turned away for a second. I could hear her softly crying, trying to stifle whatever she was feeling. She turned around and shook her head, wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry—“

            “It’s okay to cry,” I told her, and then I stepped in and gave her another hug.

            No, I wasn’t special because I was Matt’s girlfriend, but I had to remind myself that I wasn’t the only one who had lost Matt. All these people had memories of him plastered in their minds, and they were all just looking for some form of comfort.

            After Sadie left, I strode up to Paul, who was standing alone against a wall, his arms crossed. “You miss him, don’t you?” I asked him, trying to be more practical than emotional. Talking to others… it was helping.

            “I don’t need a reminder that he’s dead.”

            I nearly laughed. “Look around you! Isn’t the funeral reminder enough?”

            “I’ve never known anyone who’s died,” he said.

            “That’s not true. You knew Grandma, before she passed away.”

            Paul sighed. “We met her, like, once before she died. But Matt… I know you loved him and all, but it’s weird, thinking that he’s actually gone, and not just from school anymore.”

            “You can pretend…”

            “That he isn’t dead?” Paul gave me a look. “No, I don’t think pretending will help at all.” As I turned to go away, he added, “You need to stop pretending, Tissa. He’s not coming back.”

            I nodded, trying to take the harsh words objectively, even though hearing them made me want to shout out loud and have a mental breakdown on the floor right now. But even an open show of anguish wouldn’t bring Matt back to life.

            I found my parents mingling, trying to make the best of everything, and I said, “Hey, can we go now?”

            They finished saying whatever they needed to say to the couple they had been talking to and turned to me. “Are you sure you want to leave so soon?” Mom asked me.

            I nodded, unable to say anything else.

            After we had gathered Paul, I turned a full circle to find my friends and tell them I was leaving, but then my eyes landed on a boy, his hair brown and wavy, his build strong, his eyes, from what I could see, blue. He was talking to a few people, turning this way and that, occasionally bringing his thumb to his mouth and biting it.

            I shook my head, blinked a few times, and then I looked again.

            He was still there, that familiar hair, those familiar eyes, that familiar body…

            It was him.

            It was Matt.

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