The Leaf Catcher (on hold)

Winter Cigarettes

Chapter 10

Later that night, I pushed my books aside to make room for the bowl of pasta Mum was placing in front of me. It smelled divine, the strong tomato sauce teasing my nose.

After Kaiden and I had finished the letter, he'd folded it neatly in four and returned it to his back pocket, companioned with the List. We'd agreed to send it off tomorrow, after he'd found a suitable bottle to put it in. Thinking back to his quiet, pleased expression as we parted ways, my stomach fluttered oddly. Already I was restless to see him again, and that scared me.

I couldn't let myself get too attached. I just couldn't. I didn't think I could deal with the pain of losing him if I did.

"How's school going, darling?" Mum asked as she sat down at the head, brandishing some cutlery and smiling. It was strange to be sitting down for a meal with her; all three of us present. It happened so rarely due to her duty to her work, and I barely had time to talk to her anymore.

When I most needed her, she'd left, and whilst I knew that it had been the only way for her to cope with life, it still stung deep in the recesses of my heart. I'd <I> needed </I> her. I still needed her.

I took a bite of pasta. "Fine. They're giving us loads of work at the moment but it's not hard."

"Well they're bound to do that - it's nearly the holidays. Speaking of which, Grandad is thinking of joining us for Christmas dinner! I'll have to up my cooking skills for him, I think."

"Mum, your cooking is perfect. This is delicious." I stuffed another mouthful in pointedly, and Tommy giggled. I winked at him across the table, chomping noisily.

"You think anything is delicious when it comes to pasta, love." She said playfully, smiling. My brows slammed down, and I narrowed my eyes.

"Now that's not true. Remember that time you put some in the bottom oven to keep it warm and it went all mushy and-"

"No! Don't mention the pasta incident of 2009! I thought we agreed never to speak of that again!?"

I laughed, grinning. It was nice to be joking around with her after so little time together. It almost felt like old times, except...

Except Dad wasn't sitting next to Tommy. And he wasn't laughing with us. He wasn't talking. Because he wasn't there.

He was dead.

Hurt blossomed through me, and my throat closed up quickly. I zoned out, vaguely aware of Tommy rambling excitedly about school to us. Emptiness spilled through me, and my mind receded, taking me into a darker and lonelier place. I hated that place - hated how it made me feel; sad, hollow, regretful. The only time I completely forgot about it was with Kaiden, and that thought just made me sadder, because he wasn't here. He would never be here, because he wasn't mine.

"Meg? Are you alright, love?" A hand covered my own, which was clenching tightly around my motionless fork. I blinked, snapping back to reality. Tommy was quiet, and Mum had finished her food. Mine sat dejected on my plate, cold and unappealing. I didn't feel hungry anymore - hell, I felt sick.

I met her concerned eyes with my own and forced a smile. "Yeh, I'm fine. Just thinking about school." I lied. She didn't look convinced and neither did Tommy, but they let it slide.

"I was just saying that it's nearly time for Tommy's next check up." She said, clearing the bowls and frowning at mine. "Are you feeling okay, Meg? You haven't eaten very much."

"I'm fine, I'm just not very hungry. When is it?" I hurriedly tried to change the subject off me. I didn't want her worrying. That was the last thing she needed.