Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Fifth Entry: Scared

Okay, weekend and time for a new entry. Some of you were wondering to which chapters these entries belong to. Well, it works like this: I update every Sunday with a "summary" of what happened during the week. That means, this entry covers the two chapters I posted during the week. In this particular case, chapter 9-10.

Dedication to my favoruite comment on the previous chapter: @Lulyy_Luv Only time will tell what happens n this story and thanks for the suggestion as how to start this entry.

Bel, xx

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Fifth Entry: Scared

I'm bringing sexy back!

Yes, I’m ashamed of myself too, no need to say it out loud. Chill out! We all make bad decisions sometimes, let it go. Ugh, you’re so difficult sometimes.  I’m not defensive. Who said that? No, you shut up!

I’m sorry. Sometimes even I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been a bit worried lately. Yes, you guess right: Louis. It’s just that… I… I just can’t stop thinking of him. When I’m not busy with the documentary, he is always in my mind. I’m always thinking of ways to get closer to him, to fix him, but every day it seems more impossible to get to him. He is so determined to stay like this, to be alone. But then I see him, when he is not looking, I still see little bits of a different Louis, one that wants so set free. It’s almost there, like I can touch him, reach him and he is screaming, but then I meet his blue eyes and it’s like a thick and big door has closed. Like in a bank. Impossible to pass.

And I’m getting concerned about myself.

It’s not normal for me to think of a guy for so long and so hard. My mind feels invaded by him, and his constant presence. I shouldn’t be so into the situation. I just want to help him, fix him and then let him be. He won’t need me later and I’ll have to walk away. I’m just a step for his healing process, that’s how I see myself in this story.

I’m getting a bit scared.

That’s why I said that. When Grimmy asked me if I was falling for him, I had to say no and laugh, although that felt like I was kind of lying, pretending. I couldn’t even give me time to think about it, to doubt it. To be honest, I don’t know whether I’m falling for him or not, I just know that it scares me a bit. I know Grimmy wouldn’t understand –I don’t even understand, why would he?– so I better leave him out of this until I figure out what’s going on.

What if I’m falling for him? What if I start liking himfor real? I know that’s not my style, I know I’m not the kind who falls in love but what if… what if I’m that type now? That’s scary as shit. I can’t see myself in a serious relationship and with Louis? Even less! I don’t think that it’s possible. Nor even in a parallel universe. I will fix him, I will help him, but then I need to step aside and let him carry on with his life. If I fall for him, what’s going to happen to me then?

Falling for him along the way is not an option. Saying out loud that I may be having other kind of feelings for him is too much. If it stays in my mind, I’m somehow safer of myself. I have to keep this as a project only. I help, then I leave. Once my job is done, I have no reason to stick around and if I develop other kind of feelings, I won’t be able to turn my back and walk away, as it is planned.

Louis is… he is a special lad. He is so stubborn, and sometimes really stupid. He keeps saying he is fine when it’s obvious he is not. He keeps insisting he doesn’t need anyone, but he is the kind of people that need someone. There are two kinds of people, those who can make it alone, and those who can’t. I can make it; I know I can. I don’t need a person by my side, but I’m not shut at the possibility, if I find someone, okay, it may work. It’s not the first thing in my priority list. But Louis is the kind who needs someone; he needs to be loved. That’s obvious. He wouldn’t want to be famous if he didn’t need the praises and love from other people. He can say as many times as he wants that he is fine alone, but he is not. I’m sure he doesn’t need Eleanor, I’m sure there’s someone better for him than her. I think that they broke up was for the best, even if I don’t know her, I just feel Louis is better without her… once he lets go of that pain.

I also see he is selfish, but I think it’s because he wants fairness. He wants the same for everyone. He is protective over his friends. Even if he does things wrong, even if he hurt the guys with the things he said, he did it because he thought he was doing them some good. He thought he was protecting the lads.

I know there’s so much to know about him, and I’m eager to discover all those little things about Louis, but sometimes I get scared of getting too close to him. Sometimes, I wake up with the desire to go to him and kiss him again, kiss him until he kisses me back just because I want to feel him holding me in his arms, just because I want him to feel like doing that. And when I feel like that, when I feel the longing in my chest, it is when I get really scared.

Falling in love is not my style anymore, I just like fun and easy relationships, but there’s always an exception. I know that, I’m not stupid. And I’m afraid Louis might be my exception.

That’s why I can’t talk about this to Grimmy, although he is one of my closest friends. I’m just not ready to deal with this out loud yet.

Okay, that’s enough for this week. My head hurts from all the thinking.

Kay x