The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

Chapter 23: Well Balanced Meals

A well-balanced meal consists of high fiber, as well as nutrient- and mineral-rich fruits and vegetables. Protein is also important, but in reality, animal proteins are not as healthy for us as what we can get from dark green vegetables.

Just think what a world this would be if animals didn't have to worry about being killed for food!

And just think what a world this would be if all evildoers were captured and killed for their cruelty!

*****

"I don't care if there is some kind of flu virus going around! I'm not spending the night at Aunt Phyllis's! Tonight everyone is going to be the pep rally for Jeff's game!" Mary slams the back of my car seat with her foot, as if she's a child.

Trisha copies her, just to see how it feels.

Through the rearview mirror, I raise a brow at Mary: my signal that it is not up for debate. She turns her head so that I can't see the tears falling off her cheeks.

It's been like this for the full hour it's taken us to get to Pasadena. Frankly, I couldn't get away soon enough. Right about now, while I keep up the pretense of trusting Carl, the Acme SWAT team is storming his house.

It beats watching his perp walk to a security van, in view of all our neighbors and the children's friends.

Or worse yet, seeing him pulled out in a body bag.

Mary is not the only one who's upset over the family's change in plans. Jeff's constant outbursts are driving me crazy. "The hell I'm missing my own pep rally-just because I might catch a cold or something! I'm the star pitcher! You're-the meanest mom in the whole world!"

All I am trying to do is save his life. Go figure.

Oh yeah, and stop the annihilation of sixteen hundred innocent people, including the four Republican presidential primary frontrunners.

We reach Aunt Phyllis's house just in time. She comes out to greet us as she sees us pulling into the driveway.

"All of you get out of the car-NOW," I holler.

Jeff and Mary jump out in record time, stomping past Phyllis and into the house. I guess I won't get a kiss good-bye.

I can't say that I blame them. I am a very, very bad mommy.

"I like staying with you, Aunt Phyllis," Trisha sighs as she pats my darling aunt.

"Well, girlie, I'm glad someone does! I'm beginning to feel like the Wicked Witch of the West."

Join the crowd.

She shakes her head sadly. Still resolved to win them over, she adds, "I'm making your favorite: Sloppy Joes and Rice Krispy Squares dipped in chocolate-"

They are both surprised at the big hugs and long kisses I give them. "Don't worry, Mommy, we'll take good care of them," Trisha says, as she tosses herself into my arms.

This is what I live for.

This is why I'll be back for them, as soon as I can.

*****

The room reserved for me at the Hilton Suites is big enough for the entire family. It has two bedrooms-one with two queen beds, another with a king-sized bed-and a living room with a sleeper sofa.

I plop down onto the king. It seems forever since I've slept by myself.

These past few weeks, I've certainly made up for six years of celibacy.