Hide's Journal/ The Wilted Sunflower

Entry 26

"I finally got up today. I wore a hoodie to school. It was Kaneki's favorite color. I miss him. I didn't want to know if anyone was staring today, so I only looked at the ground. I was too scared to talk to anyone, so I just put the hood up. I sat at the table Kaneki used to sit at with me. I almost passed out. My head started to hurt. I wish that I wasn't tired. I wish I could sleep. I can't. I couldn't make myself get up. I'm writing this as I sit here. I think Kaneki is here today. I hope I don't bug him by being here today. I wish I didn't bug him by calling him that night. I found a picture of us before that happened yesterday. We were both so happy. I miss being happy. I miss us being friends. I miss everything. I want to apologize to Kaneki. I want to tell him that I am very sorry. I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him about the things, but they tell me that they will make him hate me more. I don't want him to hate me more. I don't want to look up. I don't want to see people staring at me. I need something else to write. I don't think anyone missed me. I wish they would stop staring. I'm very scared. I don't want them to stare at me. I can feel them staring at me. Please stop staring. Please. I don't want people to stare. I'm scratching again. Please please stop staring at me. My arms hurt. Ow. I'm bleeding again. I don't want them to stare anymore. I miss my friend. Please stop staring. I need to stop scratching. My arms are very red. Just write. Ignore them and write. I stopped going to see Kaneki a few months ago, if I didn't say. They're still staring. Oh god. Please stop staring. My friend hates me. I am scared. Please stop staring. Please stop bleeding. I need to go. I need to move. I can't stay here. I need them to stop staring. I am in the bathroom now. I locked myself in a stall. My arms are bleeding a lot. My sleeves cover it. I miss Kaneki. I miss feeling. I miss happiness. I miss having a friend. I miss not being alone. I miss  not wanting to die every waking moment of my life. I miss not having nightmares every time I fall asleep. I miss not hearing people call my name in an empty room. I miss not feeling people's fingers against my head when I am alone. I miss not having them tell me that everyone hates me. I miss talking. I miss not getting dizzy upon standing. I miss existing without wanting to have never existed. They're louder than they've ever been. I can't escape them. I don't want them here anymore. Please be quiet. I don't want you in my head anymore. I know they're right, I know he hates me, but I don't want them to tell me that. I don't want to be reminded everyday. Please. I miss silence. I want them to go away. I am crying now. It's been so long since I've cried. I wish I  could smile. Smiling feels foreign to me. I wish I could just go back to existing happily, but I know that can't happen. I know that they hate me. I know that he hates me. I wish he didn't. I wish they would be quiet. I wish they would be quiet. Please be quiet. I want to e happy again. Please let me be happy. Please. I just want to be happy with my best friend again. I miss him. I miss him. Please be quiet. I want to be happy. Please let me be happy. Someone came into the bathroom, or was that just in my head as well? It's getting harder and harder to tell. Please be real. Please don't be fake again. Please be someone who will help me. I stopped breathing again. Breathe, Hide. In and out. I'm breathing again. They're telling me not to say anything. I ignored them this time. I asked who it was. I asked if they were real or fake. They're not answering. The people in my head are laughing. They're calling me stupid. Please be quiet. Please be quiet. Make them be quiet. I want them to be quiet. I miss Kaneki. I don't know what time it is. How long have I been in here? Stop scratching, Hide. They're bleeding very bad, Hide. Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET! BE QUIET! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I DO NOT WANT YOU HERE ANYMORE! I'D RATHER BE ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! JUST LET ME DIE HAPPY! LET ME DIE HAPPY!
I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO DIE! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! LET ME DIE! JUST LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! JUST LET ME DIE!"