The Fault in Ourselves

Chapter 4

Hey sorry I haven't updated in a while! I got writers block and was on vacation and just like forgot about this book. Well, enjoy! I'm gonna try and make this chapter longer this time.

I walked over to Hazel's room and opened the door, glad it was unlocked. "Who's ready for some answers?" I said in a deep, sexy voice. Hazel looked at her mom and then back at me. "Meeeeeeee!" she squealed in a high pitched voice, laughing.
We took a short walk to Peter Van Houten's house, after we went on the metro, and we were cracking some jokes along the way.
When we got to his house, we were so excited. Well, Hazel was so excited. I couldn't care less about this stupid ass author. We knocked on the door, and a pretty woman with red hair answered; I think it was Lidewij.
Okay, here's the deal. I can't even like explain what happened with this dumbass douchebag! I don't want to write it. I'm just gonna skip to the Anne Frank house. :) "I'm sorry Hazel, but there are no elevators," L I'm gonna start calling Lidewij 'L' because it's too much to write and it's hard to spell said, disappointed. Hazel didn't really care. So we pressed on.
I love how Hazel was so determined in walking up the stairs; she never gave up.
When we got to the top floor, she was panting. I felt bad for her. She didn't deserve to have cancer. She was amazing. I really truly loved her.
While L was looking at the other pictures, I stared at Hazel.
She was beautiful. Every hair, every little freckle, every imperfection I thought was perfect. She was amazing. God, I loved her so so so much.
So I kissed her. It was a long kiss and when we were done we hugged each other, and people started clapping. I was so embarrassed but I kept a smile on my face. I started to bow, and Hazel laughed.

Okay I don't really feel.. comfortable writing the part where they.. ya know.. got touchy touchy in the hotel room. So I'm gonna skip that part and go straight to Frannie and Gus and Hazel at a restaurant or wherever they were.

"I still can't believe you called him 'douchepants'" I exclaimed. Frannie gasped. "You didn't!" she smiled. Hazel nodded.
"I was so mad!" she exclaimed.
I didn't know when to tell Hazel about my cancer. I already told Frannie and she started tearing up. "So what did you guys do after Peter Van Houten's house?" Frannie asked. "Oh we went to the Anne Frank house," Frannie asked us a few more questions about the Anne Frank house and Hazel answered them, one by one. It got awkward when Frannie asked us what we did after the Anne Frank house. Because that's when we got touchy touchy. But thankfully, the love of my life, Hazel Grace Lancaster saved us.
"We just walked around," Hazel answered, looking at me while I nodded.
But now I needed to figure out when I should tell Hazel about my cancer.
I looked at Frannie, giving her the 'should I tell her?' look since I had told Frannie already. She nodded.
"Mrs.Lancaster, do you mind giving Hazel and me a minute alone?" I asked. She gave me a look. She knew where this was headed. "Yeah. I'll just go up to the hotel room and you can just come up when you're ready," she informed, grabbing her purse and leaving.
"Let's go for a walk," I told Hazel.
Here's where the tears come.
We sat down on a bench. I told her that the cancer came back.
She did that adorable weird cry she does. This was so sad.
I should've gotten more. What did I do to deserve this? Okay, I know the whole Hazel money thing, but I stopped doing it! It felt wrong!
"The world is not a wish granting factory, Hazel Grace," my eyes had tears in them. This is too depressing. I hated life. I cried even more. I hated life.
I needed to stay strong, for Hazel.
I knew I was going to die. Didn't everyone? No, because everyone had hope in me. Everybody believed that I was strong enough to fight for my life. But I didn't know how strong I really was. Sure, I was strong on the outside, at least I looked it. But I wasn't strong on the inside. I was a weak little cupcake. I couldn't handle anything. So I didn't know my fate.
I decided that since I was obviously going to die, I wanted to know what would happen at my funeral. What would everyone say? How emotional would it be? I've wondered these questions for years, and I've decided to put them to a stop. I wanted to figure them out. No, I NEEDED to figure them out.
I finally figured it out. I wanted a prefuneral. Okay, it sounded weird but let me explain. Since I wanted to know what happened at my funeral, I should have a funeral, when I was alive. Bring some of the people who would be invited to my funeral and have them say their speeches.
I told Isaac about my idea and he was all for it. I just needed to figure out how to tell Hazel. This would be interesting.
But first, I wanted to do something else. I went to the store and got Hazel a wedding ring. I wanted to propose to Hazel.
I loved her and that was enough to propose! I needed to make a big proposal. But, how? Wedding ring in the box at the beginning of the chapter; sorry the photo is kind of blurry
I didn't want to tell anyone because it wouldn't be a big proposal with my friends, it would be a big proposal with everyone. Well, whatever.
I needed to figure this out somehow.
I'm going to be skipping some parts that aren't as important like egging Monica's car because I don't remember what part it was in. But don't worry, I will figure it out and edit it and put it in. I will also skip Gus getting sick, although I know that's an important part.
I kind of felt bad for Hazel. I mean, she went all the way to Amsterdam for a huge disappointment. I decided that I was going to write Hazel something, just in case she died before me, which I hope didn't happen. I guess since she was going to write a eulogy for me, I hope, I didn't ask her yet, I would write one for her.
I hoped she got it if I died before her, which would probably happen considering my medical condition, which wasn't great.
The next few days resulted in crumpled paper everywhere. I tried writing Hazel's eulogy but I couldn't figure out the write words. One second I was writing, the next I was crying. I didn't want to live in a world were Hazel wasn't alive! I would make sure I would die after her.
On another note, I finally decided that after spending hours of trying to write my eulogy, I would have Peter Van Houten help. I know what you must be thinking. Why? You're a handsome hero, you don't need some drunk jerk to help you on a heartfelt letter to the love of your life!
But the truth is, I do. I do need help. I'm not a good writer. I may be a good person but I'm a shitty writer. Hey! I should mention something like that in the eulogy! If I ever finish it.
A day later, I finally told Hazel about my prefuneral. She seemed weird about it but agreed.
I still think I should have invited more than just 2 people to my prefuneral. Hell, I don't even know how many people are going to my real funeral! Well, I'll be watching over it in heaven so I guess I will find out.
I thought about me dying before Hazel, so I went to a drug store (the medicine not the bad drugs) and got pills. To make sure I would die in the next week. So Isaac and Hazel really needed to hurry up with their eulogy for me.
I wondered what Hazel's said. I decided to go to the church basement, where I would have my prefuneral. I called Isaac and told him to come. I called the always worried Hazel and invited her. She took longer than I thought she would, so I got a little worried. Isaac was talking and somebody kissed me on my cheek. I turned around and it was Hazel. MY Hazel. Hazel's eulogy was like I don't even know. It was a bunch of crap math words and stuff. But at the end, I understood it. I deserved more days. But no, I really didn't. If she knew what I have done, she would know that I didn't. I didn't deserve more days, I deserved to die. That's why I started to tear up. Not because of Hazel's letter, because of me being an asshole to my girlfriend. But I sucked it all up and just sat there, hugging Hazel. I didn't deserve her.
Hey so I tried making this chapter longer, but I know it isn't that long. So I don't know what else to add so I'll say COMMENT FAN AND VOTE!!!!!