My Life Without Her

-Him- (Part 1)

"You're an idiot." Amy said as she rolled her eyes at me; I frowned in response.

We were currently back at mine and the guys' place, I called her over because... well I needed to talk to someone and I hadn't seen her in a long time.

"What? Why?" I said and she rolled her eyes playfully at me as she set her wine glass down and just shook her head at me with a chuckle

"By kissing her you only made things worse." She said with a shrug "You messed with her head and now you've got her all confused; questioning things."

"She also kissed me. Initiated it." I said and she nodded but sighed

"Because you messed with her head; call it a moment of weakness because she was vulnerable or whatever." She said with a shrug and my frown deepened "She needed comfort in that moment and she most definitely got it." She laughed as she raised her glass as if she was giving a toast

"What are you saying?" I sighed and he groaned loudly, followed by a mumble, something along the lines of 'Boys are so clueless.'

"What I'm saying is that what you did was wrong!" She exclaimed "What you did is going to hurt people. What about her fiancé? How do you think he feels?" She said as she rested her hands on her hips "He told you before you left that he 'trusted' you to take care of her; not be all over her!" She said "He let you go with her; no questions asked, knowing your past relationship and you still let him down! Does that mean nothing to you?"

"But I love her!" I exclaimed and she glared at me

"That's your excuse? Really?" She scoffed "God, you sound even more pathetic now! Do you hear yourself? You sound like you're five for christ sakes!" She said as she pinched the bridge of her nose "You're so desperate that you couldn't wait for her to realize her feelings on her own?!" She said with a sigh "I don't even know the girl but I can just tell she has feelings for you; but that still doesn't make what you did right, Luke!"

"So what if I kissed her? It's not that big of a deal anyway." I muttered nonchalantly and she scoffed

"You're such a liar!" She exclaimed "That kiss meant more to you than any other; because she kissed you." She pressed and I rolled my eyes slightly. We sat in silence for a moment before the doorbell rang, which was weird.

I stood up and made my way over to it, flinging it open, nearly gasping in surprise "Hey," she breathed softly "can we talk?" She asked and I stiffly nodded, once I had stepped aside so she could walk in, we made our way towards the loving room, she stopped in her tracks when she saw Amy. Oh, shit.

"Hey!" Amy said with a bright smile as she came over to us; she smiled at Eleanor brightly "I'm Amy!" She introduced herself as she extended her hand out to her, she slowly took it and shook it with a cautious look on her face "Well listen Luke, I need to go so... call me later?" She said as she gripped my arm, I nodded softly "It was nice to meet you!" She called out to Eleanor over her shoulder who only waved in response "See? She's jealous." She whispered with a smirk into my ear "Now's your chance." She said as she winked before walking out the door swiftly, I sighed heavily before closing the door behind me and turning back to face Eleanor's confused and hard face as she looked at me with her arms crossed over her chest

"Who was that?" She asked, trying her best not to sound defensive "She was pretty." She said as she flipped her hair and say down abruptly on the couch, I followed as I sat next to her, chuckling softly

"Why? You jealous?" I smirked as I inched closer to her, she glared at me slightly "She's just a friend, I promise." She briefly nodded as she bit her lip "What's up? Why are you here?" I asked

"I told Nate..." She whispered and I breathed deeply

"How'd he take it?" I asked cautiously and she shrugged slightly

"Better than I expected; but I think he was just trying to control himself." She said as she shrugged; I noticed her empty, ringless hand which immediately made me reach out for it, entwining our fingers

"So, it's over?" I breathed and she frowned as she pulled her hand away

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Nate." I clarified "It's over between you two... right?" I asked cautiously, she shook her head causing me to sigh heavily

"We're just on a break." She said "Just until I figure things out." I abruptly stood up, pinching the bridge of my nose, startling her

"What?" I hissed "You still want to marry him; even after you kissed me?!" I exclaimed and she crossed her arms over her chest

"I-- I don't know." She stuttered "I just need to think." She said and I scoffed loudly as I pinched the bridge of my nose again "Why are you getting so worked up about this?"

"Because you don't know what you want!" I snapped and she flinched "Goddammit, I'm in my worst fucking nightmare." I groaned and she looked at me in confusion

"What?"

"I'm Noah from the Notebook!" I exclaimed and her frown deepened "You know? That scene after Ally sleeps with Noah and she wants to go back to her fiancé and he gets mad at her because she doesn't know what she wants." I said rapidly "That's you." I said as I pointed my finger at her "You don't know what you want either."

"What? Do you think it's easy for me to just decide?!" She exclaimed and I chuckled humorlessly

"It kind of is; either you want to be with him or you want to be with me." I said with a light shrug and she shook her head in disbelief

"I can't believe this." She muttered and I scoffed "All you do is doubt me!"

"Well, can you blame me? You kiss me but you're still considering marrying the guy?!" I exclaimed "All you've done since I came back is push me away." I muttered as I rubbed the back of my neck and she looked up at me with tears in her eyes

"Because I'm afraid you're going to leave again, Luke!" She said, her voice cracked slightly "Do you even know what I went through when you left? I was so broken I didn't think I'd ever be happy again!" She roughly wiped the corner of her eye "And then I found Nate and... things got better."

"Were you ever going to give me another chance?" I whispered "I love you, Angel. I promise that if we do this, I will never hurt you like that again."

"It's not that simple, Luke." She whispered "It's not just about what I want."

"Isn't it though? What matters is your happiness. What else could you possibly be considering?" I said defensively

"Everyone else's happiness." She whispered

"Why does that even matter?" I said and she sighed deeply

"It just does to me, okay?!" She said "I know it's hard for you to understand but it just does!"

"I lost you once; I'm not going through that again." I said seriously "But if you choose him I will have no other choice but to walk away." I said and hurt crossed over her features as her eyes got glossier "I just can't stand and watch the girl I love marry someone else; I won't do it."

"So what are you saying?" She whispered

"If you choose him, that day will be the last day you'll ever see me."