the third person

the archer and the prey

blogpost:

thethirdperson_1390

my father ran away when I was 6. I remember clinging on to my mother's dress and watching him leave. I'd lost my father but then i'd lost my mother too. She gave into drugs and alcohol, never got out of her room, gave up on everything, gave up on me. it had fallen to my shoulders that I studied hard and got scholarships and won competitions to win cash prizes to support us. its not like she didn't pay, but she never gave enough. 

my mother didn't have a job, after the breadwinner of the family abandoned us, she became a psychic. a fake one. she 'talked to spirits'. i found the whole thing exaggerated and unnecessary, but ppl really believed in her. and she earned enough. but she was never a mother to me. she never became the roof that a child needs. my bones weren't strong enough to become her pillar, but I did. and I broke.

i loved him, my ex, hell I still do. but with a life like mine, living in one of the cheapest apartments with practically no facilities, I have things to do. i have things to focus on except love. he isn't a distraction, I made him seem like one, but he isn't. my surroundings are the distraction. i wouldn't want to be with him if I couldn't give him anything. if I couldn't give enough to the relationship. i didn't want him to feel like me, I didn't want him to become the pillar. i told him I'm leaving him because he changed. but I was leaving him because I did. 

i wrote countless letters promising him that we'd be together 10 years from now only if we took a break right now. he couldn't. it ended bad. and it ended only because I loved him too much.

i struck at the relationship with my sharpest arrow, became the archer. but, it was my relationship. so I became the prey. 

then there's my best friend. he got into a relationship out of peer pressure and he's too kind to tell the truth and break it off. and I'm scared he thinks the only way to break it off is to end himself. in between bloody wrists and hoarse throats on the shower floor, we both don't have a lot of difference. but he cuts because he thinks he's not worth it. i cut because I think this world is not worth it. there's a huge difference.

i know there is an extremely long time between all my blogs, and I apologize, although I doubt anyone is invested enough to accept my apology. after all, this is one random blogger venting out her feelings, why would anyone want to read it?

it's a big day tomorrow. a lot is going to happen, I can feel it. 

weird how its not jealousy I felt when I saw her bike outside our apartment. i don't blame him for seeing her, and I don't blame her for liking him. i didn't get jealous, I got sad. sad because he moved on too quick. sad because he'll never know my reason. she's kind and beautiful, she's funny and charismatic. 

i might be a bit delusional here, but she sounds a lot like me.

though, I hope she isn't. i hope she's happier. i hope she has a loving family. and i hope she keeps him happy.

i hope we survive tomorrow. all of us. because sometimes, faith in god isn't enough, you've got to have hope. hope in fate. hope that the sun will rise tomorrow and shine all our worries away. hope that I've got something bigger for myself around there than just playing the archer and the prey. 

guys guess what just happened. so there is this girl, she's gorgeous and adorable, alright? she's like a little fairy princess with all the pureness intact. and she just texted me. in the middle of the night, this little beauty with the most beautiful eyes is texting me and she just asked what am I doing. 

god am I freaking out because my heartbeat is going wildddd but she's most probably straight so let's not get our hopes up. (relative to what i'd been talking about earlier, pun intended)

okay I just tried to flirt. she took it mildly. and I tried to flirt again, I think she's taking the hint ;)

GUYS I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW LESGOOOOOO

okay it might not be a date exactly, we're meeting to study. but who knows what could happen :)))))))))))

I'll try to increase my blog posts and also update what happened on the study date tomorrow night, alright?

GUYS SHE JUST ASKED IF THIS IS A DATE WHAT DO I SAY JCBCHQWFHQOFNWESI

okay I've handled the situation professionally. I'm gonna ask her if she's straight, here goes nothing:

SHE DOESN'T KNOWWW

SHE DOESN'T KNOW GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS *chicken dance*

see what I said about hope? let's HOPE I have a girlfriend this time tomorrow ;)

did I tell yall about the amazing woman who runs the coffee shop that is right across the street? yeah she's awesome. she doesn't charge us kids much because she knows our family history lol and also she's a close friend of my mother's. she's nice.

anyway, I and my future girlfriend are meeting at her coffee shop tomorrow, wish me luck!