the third person

13

ARTHUR

TW: suicide

It all happened so quickly. Blaze asked me out 3 days after that incident. I said yes, of course.

I think I've changed, and not in a good way. After Andy, I didn't think of dating anyone ever again. I was beginning to be used to my solidarity. I chose to be alone. I did want to date him, don't get me wrong. He's nice. But it doesn't feel right. It's like the right person, the wrong time. 

Or maybe, the wrong person.

Funny how I get second thoughts about a relationship only once it's begun, maybe because I know I can't end it. I can't look at his face and tell him I don't want him because I do. I think that's why I told him I don't leave people, people leave me. And I'll make sure he knows I'm the bad guy and doesn't blame himself.

Asher doesn't like Blaze. Not that I needed him to approve, but his approval was something I always looked forward to. He's taking too much responsibility, I don't think I'm worth the exhaustion he takes upon his shoulders for me.

I'm trying too hard to fit in with these cool kids- I'm not cool. Ash is the cool brother, I'm just there. Like a side character in my own life.

And these thoughts didn't overwhelm me before I started dating Blaze. It's like he wants me to be more open with my feelings. But I can't open up to him about my feelings if I don't open up to myself. And the day I open to myself, they'll find me on the floor in a pool of blood, a goodbye note in my hands. 

I love him. At least, I think I do. He keeps going on about how he doesn't deserve me, about all the bad things he's done. I think he hasn't realized the bad thing I'm doing right now. The lying. To make him more comfortable, I changed my history. I made up stuff about who I was, about who I am. He doesn't know me. He knows the version of me I've made him see. That isn't me. Maybe I can fake it for a day, but I can't fake it forever. 

It's not right. I don't want to be with someone with whom I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I can't be comfortable around him, I can't keep calling him my boyfriend if I'm avoiding him. I can't love anyone else if I can't love myself. And I can't... love myself. 

I'm not playing the victim here, I'm not looking for consolation. I never have. I've grown up in the kind of surroundings where saying what I'm feeling leads to arguments. I don't like arguments. I just want quiet, so I never talk. Because if I do, then I won't be able to stop and I'll end up saying everything I have ever kept in me, and there's only one way that ends.

I've worked so hard to be accepted by everybody, to be liked by everybody. I just felt like people would like me more if I dated him. I felt like I would be more accepted by the cool kids if I had a boyfriend. 

I just wanted to be wanted.

Everything went wrong. In one second it was all butterflies and smiling till my cheeks hurt, all that fluttering and falling associated with a leaf detached from the tree. And then I rested on the ground. That's when I realized I'd left the tree and couldn't go back to it now.

I know high school is a time to make mistakes. But this was a mistake I'd never forgive myself for. Why, soon enough he's gonna figure out that the way I fell out of love with him, was faster than the way I fell in it. I didn't want it to be like this. I wish I loved him more. I wish I could be simpler, easier, less complicated. Like a book or movie character. I wish I could feel like I deserve a happy ending. But I don't, not after this.

I can't keep thinking all of this while lying in bed trying to sleep. Thinking about how my brother, the one with cancer, is fighting to survive. Because if I had cancer, I probably wouldn't. I think of how he deserves a happy ending because he's a better person than I ever was. Than I ever will be.

He doesn't date people for experience. He doesn't avoid conversation at all costs. He fights his problems and doesn't just stare at them and crack jokes. 

I am not the one who deserves better, Blaze is. I'll never regret anything more than how I regret saying yes to him. He's not a bad person, I am. He would've got the guy if I wasn't the guy. Because I'm not the guy, I'm the problem. He can't love me if he's fighting against me. And I have a reasonable justification if I end it. A reason for not being able to see the light of day tomorrow.

I just wanted quiet.