Under Lock and Key

23: If I Had a Flower for Every Time I Thought of You

Lee Clarke, August 19th, 1947, Crescent City

2:00 am

"Get your ass in this fucking car, Lee!!" A blonde head shouting out of an unrolled window.

"Fuck off!!"

"Fuck off? Fuck off?" The car screeched to a stop, crossing in front of me, nearly hitting me.

Not that I would care.

Michael slammed the car door and stormed towards me, his face twisted in anger.

That makes fucking two of us.

He grabbed me by my shirt and shoved me against the car. It was raining, and he was getting soaked. I was already long gone, dripping water, my tangled hair laying lank against my collar. I might as well be a mermaid from one of Lewis' stories. But my older brother was fresh from a dry car, his red flannel turning darker by the second as it absorbed the neverending rain.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!!?? Don't you know mom is home worried sick?? What is this, the tenth time you tried running away?? You hate us all that much that you keep trying to get back to jail and your precious, loser criminal friends??"

Michael took off my glasses, useless as they were, and tucked them safely in his pocket. Even livid, even completely sick of my shit, he was still a good big brother. It made it hard, but at this point, I can't think about it too much.

Kelly's waiting for me. Kelly's probably a wreck of worry. I need him. He needs me. I left him. I left him like Ray left him. I have to go to him. Even if it hurts my family. I have to.

"Get in the car, Lee." This time he was weary, exhausted. "Just get in the car."

We drove up the muddy, winding road back home, silent. This time I'd almost gotten to the train station. I can't give up. Every time I get a little closer.

"Lee Alder Clarke, you better wake the fuck up. You're hurting every single person around you. You're acting like a spoiled brat. That place...that place changed you. You're a different person, you don't act like my little brother. My little brother, that kid, he was the most responsible person I'd ever met. This new guy you are, I don't even know him."

Michael's voice was thick with disgust. I don't care. I don't. I can hear Mr. Cooper telling me it's okay to not be okay. But what he didn't tell me is that not everyone would support me, when I'm a mess and need help.

When I first got here, the day after my birthday, I was basically hysterical. Begging my parents to send me back, to let me go back, even if it was just to say goodbye.

They were shocked of course. They thought I'd be thanking my lucky stars to get out a year early, back home, back to my real life. But Wendy never wanted to stay at home and grow up. She wanted to go back to Neverland.

I need my Peter. I need him.

I didn't quite say it that way. I knew it had to be a secret, even though I remember our long discussions in Morality about the benefits or negatives of hiding important things from the people we love. But still...I can't tell my parents, my brother, that I am in love with a perfect boy named Kelly Rossi, and that he is my everything and that I never ever ever want to live a life, any life, without him. That trying to sleep at night, in my own bed, in my own room, without him, is torture.

They wouldn't listen. They didn't understand. Even if I coded it by saying Kelly was my best friend, that we'd survived being in jail because of our friendship, and the family we built with the other boys around us. I told them, but how to convey the love he and I share, how to use words to convey my heartache over leaving him behind without any warning... I wasn't at all successful in explaining it. I could barely speak, the emotion behind everything, made me almost mute with pain.