Under Lock and Key

22: Leaving Neverland

Kelly Rossi, April 10th, 1947, Modoc County

"Give Lee that last piece of toast."

"Thanks, but I don't want it. I'm full. Go ahead, Mitchell, you eat it."

Our new breakfast companion shrugged and shoved it into his mouth.

Lee was one of a kind for sure. Our school bully ate breakfast with us now. In just about a week, Mitchell changed. Not drastically, he was still a jerk. But a smaller degree of a jerk. Lee treated him with basic kindness and dignity. Which goes a long way in life.

Even though Lee basically shuffled through his day, he still kept that part of himself at the ready. The core of him that was responsible. The part of him that would never let others suffer, even though he himself felt lost.

I ate one handed, the other arm around his waist, so he knows I'm there for him. That I'll always be there for him. Happy or sad.

"I have dish duty today." Lee stood up, gathering the empty plates on the table. Every movement slow and controlled.

"I'll do it for you, Lee."

"No thanks, Davey."

Even that asshole felt it. Even though it made his new guy Bennet frown, seeing Davey so worried.

But we all were. Lee had his walls back up. A hundred feet high. He did his chores, sat quietly in Morality, worked on his assignments in class, ate at mealtime, and lay in my arms all night long, awake, staring at the ceiling or face pressed against my chest, letting me comfort him physically, but never really able to reach him or soothe his conscience.

"It's my fault," he repeated to me in those long hours.

"It's not Lee. It's really not."

"Yes it is. I should have seen it coming. I should have talked to Little Mouse. I should have saved Little Bobby."

"There's no way you could have known, Lee. Really. Even Mr. Campbell and Mr. Cooper didn't know. They are the adults Lee. We're just kids, no matter how much we tried to...parent..the littles. We were doing our best. Not once did I or anyone else think you didn't do everything and anything for them."

I would kiss the top of his head, as he continued to speak, his lips opening and closing against the skin of my throat. Not that I felt even the littlest bit aroused in those moments.

We'd talk, sometimes for hours, in the dark of the night, before finally exhausting ourselves into a few brittle hours of sleep.

But no matter what I said, he still blamed himself.

Now, Lee smiled wanly as I gathered up the silverware, joining him in dish duty, never really leaving him alone. He was strong, he wasn't giving up. But it hurt me, to see him so...exhausted. From lack of sleep, but also tired of going through the motions when he felt so miserable. He tried hard to hide it from everyone, but we'd lived together too long now. Of course we all knew.

I knew, all too well, what it felt like to desperately wish to change the past. Was there something more I could have done? Was there any possible chance I could have stopped Ray from dying, or stopped the Kinoshita's from being interred?

Could we have hid them, somehow, like we'd learned had happened to some of the Jewish families in Europe? It would have been clumsy and somehow overly dramatic, but who cares if it had resulted with my Ray still being alive.

I remember sleepwalking through my life, after they left, after he was gone, the way Lee seemed to do now.

The only thing I can think of, is to be there for Lee, to show him how much I care, how important he is to me, listen when he needed to talk, and lay quietly when he didn't.