you don't own me - the last kingdom

sihtric

...

that night i dreamt of the sea.

i dreamt i was back on the coast of northumbria, my father still at home to scold me for being out too long. my mother, baking bread and boiling fresh water, my little siblings readying themselves to nag me as soon as i entered the doorway. they would say i had to teach them to swim, i would reply no. not after the incident. they would go on with their day, knowing i wouldn't budge on my deciscion. until of course they would try again the next day.

but i was blissfully unaware of all of it in the sea. people would always ask me -

'sunniva - your name means gift of the sun. why do you enjoy the cold sea so much?'

i wouldn't reply, simply because i didn't care what people thought of me. it wasn't an offensive thing to ask, nor did it bother me. i just didn't see the point in answering a question i didn't always know the answer to. i was never the gleaming blonde haired sun my parents had hoped for, but i think they loved me all the same.

i suppose i enjoyed the sea for a number of reasons. when my mind was hot and it needed to be quieted i could cool it, laying on my back in the salty water, so still it felt as if i was floating in air. i liked it because when in the sea i didn't have to think or do anything. it was the break i so desperately needed from my sisters nagging or my parents arguing about my best suited future husband.

but all that was gone now. all that was left were their screams that haunted my memory forever.

it felt like the sea healed me.

in my mind i was floating again, in a calm sea, gazing up at the cloudy sky, knowing that nothing surrounded me but the creatures and the plants of the water. the scent of salt was thick in my nostrils and stung my eyes when the waves splashed around my face too close.

then the waves started to lap more quickly, like a frantic child with too much energy for its mother. it soon became violent as the clear sky was quickly replaced with thick clouds and crashing thunder, and i found i could no longer float anymore. i paddled with my arms and legs wildly but it was no use, something was pulling me under. something slimy had wrapped itself around my ankle and wouldn't detach. soon enough i was sucked under the surface and into the darkness, the breath stolen from my lungs, bubbling up as i sunk deeper, deeper. i fought against it with all my might but it seemed my ability to swim had been taken by some higher power. what had once been a comfort to me now did me harm. that didn't feel right, in my bones or in my soul. again i could sense something bad would happen.

my vision blackened and my arms stopped scrambling upwards as i finally hit the seabed. i resigned myself to it, no longer willing myself upwards. as i lay sightless on the coarse sand, i felt death was near. but something else was closer.  the sounds of the ocean began to dissappear and i realised i was no longer there, something shifted beside me. a human hand grasped mine and i flung my head around to see who it was, but without my sight i could not recognise them. then heard it. the faintest whisper. no. not a whisper. a growl.

'you came back to me little sunniva'

a shiver came over me. i knew that voice. i thought i was free, but he still plagued me in my dreams. rolf. i shook my head wildly to try and escape back to reality. his hands shackled me down and blind, i couldn't tell what he was doing. i felt myself becoming closer and closer to conciousness and it was a jab of pain in my side that finally woke me from it all.

...

i shot up from my bed in a hot sweat. peeking up and out of the window, i could see it was already mid morning. i had slept too long, the nightmare had held me. the village seemed to stir, more so than yesterday and gisela was gone, as was hild who i hadnt seen in the first place. another stabbing pain brought me back to reality and i whinced in pain.