Nightingale - Brainwashed by Hydra

Broken

When Bucky was gone, you decided to watch some TV and continue resting for a bit. Your body just hurt too much.
After a while, you checked your phone again but had no messages or calls. Usually, your boss would have tried to contact you by now.
What the hell did he do?!
Contemplating if you should message your boss, as a good soldier would, you decided against it. If Bucky truly messed things up, you were as good as dead already.
Stuck in your thoughts, and not even listening to what was said on the TV, a few hours passed until a noise got your attention. It was so quiet that you would have ignored it usually, but not today. Today you were on edge.
Another noise.
Carefully you stood up but when you were about to check it, the doorbell rang. With light steps, you looked who it was and saw your neighbor. But when you opened the door, two men in gear rushed in, pushed you away from the door, and pinned you down. When you heard a loud bang you knew what happened but still had to check: there was a third person in gear who just killed your neighbour.
"He was a nice one", you said struggling against their grips yet with no chance of escape.
The third person stepped in and closed the door behind him, smirking disgustingly.
"Nightingale, my dear. I've heard you got into some trouble", he said.
"Rumlow", you greeted annoyed, still pinned to the ground though not trying to escape anymore.
"Someone's not happy", he said and looked around, "Nice apartment. Wouldn't be too bad if we burnt it down, would it?"
You didn't answer and just stared into his disgustingly grinning and arrogant face.
"I liked you", he continued after a few seconds of silence and kneeled to you, stroking your cheek, "I can help you out if you let me."
You still didn't say anything, never in your life did you like that person in front of you. The only reason he got assigned to you was because your skills with the knife were too good so you needed someone who could handle you if you would ever lash out; and Rumlow was the best in close combat.
Rumlow sighed, not happy with your silence, and walked around your apartment to take a look at it. "Cozy", he said from another room, "we could make something out of it instead of burning it down."
"How about you just leave me alone?", you asked irritated. This man always brought out your worst side.
Rumlow chuckled and walked back but when his gaze met yours, he glared at you. "Watch your tongue missy", he hissed and kicked you.
"Sorry, it's in my mouth, can't have a look at it without a mirror", you teased and he kneeled right next to you. With his right hand, he grabbed your face forcefully and looked at it.
"Such a pretty face with such a shitty tongue. I should cut it out of you", he said threatening.
"He wouldn't be happy", you said, meaning your boss.
"He's already mad at you", Rumlow said, "I don't think he'd have such a big problem with me playing around a little."
"If that's the case then why are you still talking?", you asked, knowing your boss would be hella mad at Rumlow if he'd follow through with his threats.
"You should be happy, no, grateful even, that I'm giving you some time. You know why I'm here?", he asked but you shook your head.
--------------------(Trigger warning: sexual violence)----------------
"It's time for a little makeover", he said grinning, "but before we leave, let me have some fun while you're still so rebellious." Rumlow moves your face closer to his and puts his lips on yours, his desire clear as the day. You struggle against the other agents but they are keeping you in place and your attempts just fuel Rumlows desire. "Poor little thing", he said and cut open your shirt, "No hero in sight and I won't say your cute little words which would make you obey and forget. I want you to live with it. To feel it. To feel and fear me." Rumlow continued his assault on your body and you could do nothing against it.
A tear rolled down your face when he entered you forcefully and moaned in your ear.
"Feel it and don't you ever forget me", he whispered.
After a few seconds you mentally left and just lay there motion- and emotionless, waiting for him to finish and leave. You didn't even notice anymore what he was doing. At some point, you heard him saying: "Look at how much they broke you. Made you their own little toy even without the words." But besides that, you didn't understand anything else. You didn't want to. He was right, you thought, you were broken. Maybe even broken beyond repair.
----------------------(TW SV end)---------------------------
Maybe you should let them break you even further until you wouldn't feel a thing ever again.
Maybe you should just leave this world.
You tried to find anything good to hold onto and run away to. But there was nothing. The only good thing was your apartment which was just another showcase of violence now. You had nothing.
Nothing.
"Y/n", a voice said but you didn't want to come back. If anything, you'd rather stay stuck in your head forever.
"Y/n, hey", that voice said again.
Where were the good memories? You knew you had some somewhere because whenever you got punished for misbehaving, you tried to run away to them mentally. But you couldn't remember which. There was nothing. Just the pain of punishment.
"Y/n, come back, you're safe", the voice said.
Safe.
You'd never be safe. Especially not now.
Never were.
"Don't give up now", the voice said.
But I want to. I just want to leave. Forever. Never come back. It hurts too much.
Hydra had done horrible things and they would continue doing horrible things. But there was no way out, there never is. Even if you'd manage to run away, you'd get haunted. Forever. Until they either get you back or kill you.
I don't want to die.
Why did you even hope that therapy would be of any use? Why did you think that trying to be normal besides a definitely not-normal life would make anything bearable or okay? Maybe it was time.
Maybe it was even past the time.
"Come on, come back. Y/n, I'm here."
Maybe you weren't even broken anymore. Maybe you were finally perfect for what you were programmed for. Maybe you should just accept it. Radical acceptance was it called, right? When you can't change something, accept it. Maybe therapy was helping after all. Helping to make you a good soldier.
A good weapon.
A good toy.
Not human.
Never again.
No pain.
Nothing.
Forever.
Help me.
Used.
Abused.
Hurt.
Broken.
Help. Me.
Pain.
So much pain.
Too much pain.
Please.
Run away.
Never come back.
Never again.
Lost forever.
Broken in pieces.
Shattered.
Bucky... 
"Y/n, I'm here", the voice said as if it heard you. Maybe it did.
But maybe the voice was a trap. Another trick to kill your soul.
"Y/n, come back. You can do it. I know it hurts and I know you're scared, but you have to come back."
No.
I don't want to. I want to never come back again. They won.
They won.
They won. They won. They won. I'm no one. Just a thing. Not alive. Never again.
"Listen to my words, can you do that?", the voice asked softly and waited a few seconds before continuing, "This is horrible, I know. And I know it hurts a lot. But I also know you are strong and you can fight it. Don't let them win. Tough times don't last, but tough people do. And you are tough, y/n."
No, I'm not. I'm no one. A weapon. A toy.
"Remember your favorite coffee. Could you do that for me? The way it's prepared, how it smells, how it tastes. Do you remember?", the voice asked, still trying to sound gently but you could hear the worry and urgency behind it.
No. Not allowed. Humans drink. Humans eat.
I'm not human.
Just a toy.
A weapon at best.
"Y/n, please. Remember your coffee. Come on, you can do it. We can grab one together if you want but you have to come back first." The urgency is getting heavier in his tone.
I don't deserve anything.
My treat is to serve.
To take orders.
To obey.
Hydra.
"Don't let them win", the voice said low, shaky even. Was he about to cry? "Hydra is bad, y/n. Fight them. Come on..."
Hydra isn't bad.
I am.
Hydra isn't bad.
I'm just troublesome.
Hydra isn't bad.
I have to obey.
Hydra isn't bad.
Obey or get punished.
Hydra isn't bad.
Pain.
Hydra isn't bad.
I'm losing my mind.
Hydra isn't bad.
It's my fault.
Hydra isn't bad.
Torture.
Hydra isn't bad.
No escape.
Hydra isn't bad.
Forever trapped.
Hydra isn't bad.
Torture forever.
Hydra isn't... good.
"I don't know what to do", you heard the voice whispering in pain.
Your surroundings were blurry but you noticed you were still in your apartment, though not on the ground anymore. When did you move?
Rumlow.
Your breath quickened and noticing a figure next to you didn't make it better. Immediately you crawled away as much as possible from the person. The person held up their hands in defense.
"It's me", he said softly, not daring to move.
You looked around and noticed a mess in your apartment that wasn't there before.
"Do you need anything?", the person asked and you looked at him again. Finally, you noticed who he was.
"Bucky", you whispered and a tear rolled down your face.
"Yes, it's me", Bucky said and smiled softly. He put down his hands and sighed in relief. "I knew you're strong."
Am I? Or am I just misbehaving again, punishment awaiting any moment as soon as they know I am not snapping back to how I'm supposed to be? Maybe I should give up. Would it be so bad...?
"Y/n, hey, stay with me", Bucky said softly and your gaze wandered back to his face. He smiled warmly and asked: "Can I do anything for you? Do you want some tea? Food?"
I'm not human.
Just a toy.
Don't-
"Y/n, come on, let's go to the kitchen together. What do you think?", he asked and stood up slowly to not scare you away.
Remembering the way Rumlow had cut your shirt open, you looked down and noticed a new baggy one.
"I couldn't leave you like that, I hope it's okay", he said softly to explain the change of cloth and you nodded slowly.
It took you another few seconds, maybe even a minute, to finally stand up but the pain you felt was awful. You didn't want to move. When Bucky noticed, his expression turned into one of sadness and he told you to just sit down again. That it was okay. That he would get your tea and if anything was wrong, you could just yell and he'd be right there.
Eventually, Bucky came back with a mug in his hand and when he put it down on the table, you could smell the peppermint. But instead of being happy about it, you vomited on the floor next to the table. Bucky rushed to grab a bag and gave it to you, and while you were busy vomiting into the bag, he cleaned the floor.

"The tea", you eventually said strained and were about to vomit again. Bucky was confused at first but understood when he noticed that you didn't even want to look at it. He grabbed the mug, walked away, and came back with a bottle of water.
"Better?", he asked and you nodded.
It took you another few minutes until your stomach finally calmed down again and you could wipe your mouth with a tissue that Bucky gave you. Grabbing the bottle, you opened it and took a few sips.
"Rumlow smelled like peppermint", you explained after what felt like an eternity and Bucky understood right away.
"I'm gonna kill him next time", Bucky hissed.
"It's fine", you said quickly yet quietly.
"Fine?! It's not fine!", Bucky exclaimed, making you flinch. "Sorry, I just..." He sighed, genuinely sorry for raising his voice. He didn't want to make anything worse, he was just so angry at Hydra and especially Rumlow.
"It's okay", you whispered and looked down.
Bucky took a deep breath before asking: "Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Please, don't leave me alone", you pleaded with a shaky voice.
"I won't. I promise. Is there anything else? Do you want me to call the therapist?"
With widened eyes, you immediately shook your head. "I don't want her to know about this", you whispered and he nodded.
"Let me know when you are ready to leave", he said gently and you looked at him confused. "We can't stay here. They will come back for you and I won't let that happen. You can come with me to the Compound, you are safe there, I promise."
You shook your head slightly, tears building up again. "I can't", you whispered.
"You can", he assured. "I know you don't feel well but we have to get you somewhere safe first."