Missa has always been a little insecure around her best friend Nina, so when she finds out her husband Samuel had an affair with anyone but Nina, her world falls apart.
She believes she will never heal from the wound the two persons she trusted the...
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Samuel raised his head and blankly looked at me for a few seconds. And suddenly his eyebrows furrowed, as if he just heard what I said. He then stood up and ran a hand through his thick hair. I loved running my fingers through his hair... Focus, Missa!
"What do you mean, take a break?" his deep voice brought me back from my fantasies.
"Oh... A break! A pause, a..." I gestured in the void, as if he could find the explanation in the air. His eyebrow raising told me he didn't. "I think we need some time to think things through and take the right decision."
"You mean YOU need some time to think things through?" He frowned and crossed his arms.
"Well... Yes. I mean... It all happened because of me and..."
"I already told you it was not your fault," he sounded pissed off. "You were just sick, and that can never be your fault!"
"I'm not talking about the depression," I sighed. I should have turned the light on, he might have understood what I was trying to say without me actually saying it out loud. He was usually good at reading me.
I tried finding the most suitable words to express what I wanted without being too dramatic, but didn't seem to find the right formula. Or maybe I was simply not confident enough to stick to that decision. Maybe I was too afraid to try and actually change. Maybe things could work just fine the way they were?
Things did not work that fine though, if we were having this conversation. Things went wrong at the very beginning, and side effects were simply delayed. I had to be able to face any other side effects that might happen later.
"You know you can talk to me, right?" He pinched my chin and lifted my head for our gazes to meet. "No matter what it is, you can tell me honestly."
He was trying to sound brave and confident. But despite the darkness, I could see in his eyes, his beautiful dark and deep eyes, a glimpse of fear and uncertainty. Once again, he wore his superhero mask to put me at ease. Seeing that squeezed my heart and comforted me in my decision.
"You should not have to remind me what happened after Clara's birth was not my fault," I said in one breath, with a calm and firm tone, eyes in eyes to show him I was fine, to tell him he could drop off the mask. "You cheated on me, and you should not be the one telling me it was not my fault. My fault was to keep for myself the fact your crush for Nina was mutual. Maybe if I didn't, you would have ended up with her, or maybe it wouldn't have worked and we would be together anyway. In either case, maybe that... 'accident' would not have occurred."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for seconds. Now it was time to be melodramatic.
"Factually, it was not my fault. But I somehow contributed in creating the occasion. Because I was not confident enough to assert myself when Nina was in the picture. I'm not as beautiful as Nina or that lady from your HR department who looks like an African Kardashian. I'm not successful, in fact I'm rather a failure, given the fact I'm actually unemployed. I still struggle with taking care of my daughter and I'm afraid later she might see me as a pathetic woman, or worse inherit all my flaws. At first glance, there is nothing I really like about me, except having you and Clara. But I can't keep on relying on you to feel valuable. You've played this role for too long, you might one day grow up tired and our daughter could end up endorsing this role too. I want to work on improving and acknowledging my value by myself. And I cannot do that while being with you, because you're like training wheels for me. That's why I need some time off you."
