Hello po, Miss Jen.
Sana mapansin mo itong message ko.
My boyfriend (34M) and I (32F) have been engaged for eight years, but, every time I would bring up the topic of marriage ay umiiwas s'ya at parang nayayamot. Aaminin ko, when he proposed ay nagdalawang-isip ako kasi bago lang kami noon at ayokong munang mag-asawa. Pero, ang sabi ay he can wait and he's willing to wait for me so I said yes.
Fast forward at mag-na-nine years na po kami this March. Years ago pa ako ready pero s'ya parang hindi. Sa aming magbabarkada, ako ang pinakaunang na-engage pero ako na lang ang hindi pa ikinakasal. Nakakatatlong anak na nga 'yung iba, pero, ako 'eto hanggang engaged pa rin. Umiiwas na akong pumunta sa get-togethers namin kasi naging running joke na yung haba ng taon ng pagiging engaged ng status ko at nasasaktan na ako sa mga biro nila.
I have asked my bf a lot of times kung ano ang plano n'ya dahil pareho naman kaming established na sa mga trabaho namin at may mga ipon na pero ang sabi n'ya ay bakit kailangan pa ng kasal when we are enjoying our current set-up? Nag-li-live-in po kami at kasal na lang ang kulang. I told him that I want to start a family with him and he said na pwede namang gawin iyon kahit hindi kami kasal at apelyido pa rin naman n'ya ang dadalhin ng anak namin. Honestly, na-offend ako sa sinabi n'ya kasi paano naman ako? Aanakan n'ya lang ako pero hindi n'ya ako pakakasalan? What if magbago ang isip n'ya at bigla n'ya akong iniwan? Iiyak na lang ako sa sulok, gan'un ba 'yun?
My parents are asking when we're getting married at wala akong maisagot. Ang sabi ng Papa ko, kahit simpleng kasal lang daw basta may basbas ng simbahan. My father said that he wants to walk me down the aisle while he still can. Minsan umiiyak na lang ako sa sama ng loob because I can't even fulfill my father's simple request.
Naguguluhan ako, Miss Jen kasi mahal ko s'ya at alam kong mahal n'ya ako but I don't think we are on the same page when it comes to commitment. Am I a bitch for wanting more? Tama ba s'ya na dapat makuntento na lang ako sa kung anong meron kami? My heart is heavy because I want something more permanent but he doesn't. Mali po ba ako?
Em
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Hi, Em.
Ang unang-una kong sasabihin ay maybe you should probably change your friends. In your thirties, such insensitivity to something that obviously upsets you is inexcusable. Kapag nasa treinta ka na, hindi mo na kailangan 'yung mga taong gagawing katatawanan 'yung mga hinanakit mo sa buhay. In our thirties, we need a support system that's emphatic and sympathetic. Kapag 'yung mga kaibigan mo ay iniiwasan mo na because they make you feel small, that's a sign that you should reevaluate your friendship.
Pangalawa, bilib ako sa pasensya ako. Eight years? Personally, I wouldn't wait that long for someone to marry me - I would probably ask if he still would like to marry me kasi baka 'ka ko nakalimutan na n'ya na tinanong n'ya pala ako dati at nag-oo ako kaya ako nang mag-a-adjust. At kung hindi ko gusto ang maririnig kong sagot, I am going to leave because I think that his answer is not going to change, given that there are no hindrances to our marriage, five or ten years from now at ayoko nang hintayin pang umabot ako nang cuarenta dahil lanta na kami ng matres ko n'un.
But, that's just me, Em. Hindi ko alam 'yung ibang detalye o kung may rason ba si bf kung bakit may phobia s'ya sa kasal. Is he perhaps from a broken family kaya takot s'ya sa pag-aasawa dahil nakita n'ya kung paano sinira n'un ang relasyon ng mga magulang n'ya? If that is the case, bakit pa s'ya nag-propose? Bakit ka pa n'ya pinaasa? Gago ba s'ya?
Pangatlo, kung tinanong mo na s'ya, sinagot ka na n'ya, at hindi mo nagustuhan 'yung sagot n'ya, bakit nand'yan ka pa sa tabi n'ya? Kasalanan mo na 'yun. Sinagot ka na n'ya, eh, but you chose to stay. Ibig sabihin, para sa kanya, okay na rin sa'yo 'yang sitwasyon n'yo. So, for him, you have no business asking for more or feeling offended kung ang gusto n'ya ay anakan ka lang nang anakan nang hindi pinapakasalan kasi tinanggap mo ang sitwasyon na 'yan.
Pang-apat, ang sabi mo ay mahal mo s'ya pero takot ka rin kasi paano kung iwan ka n'ya? Kahit may anak o mga anak kayo if he decides to leave you, anong panghahawakan mo? Ano ba ang mas matimbang, ang pagmamahal mo sa taong 'yun o ang pagmamahal mo sa sarili mo? Are you willing to live with the possibility that he might leave you for someone else and he'll have no legal obligations towards? Okay lang ba na ikawawasak mo kasi mahal mo naman?
Napahirap,'di ba? Mahal mo, pero paano ka? Kasi, Em, dapat hindi mo na iniisip 'yang parteng paano ka, eh, if you are secure in his affection. You are asking yourself that question maybe because there were signs that him leaving you for someone else is a possibility. And maybe that is the reason why you are pushing for a wedding. Because he's not able to give you the affirmation that it's a ride or die between you two.
Panglima, your family's request aside, I want you to look deep within yourself - is your relationship giving you the assurance that it should? If it is, are you willing to take his word for it that for better or for worse can happen even if you aren't legally married? If it isn't, would he be willing to make changes to give you the security that you need? If he's not, is that the life that you want? If it isn't, are you willing to lose him? Because your absence can either make his life hell or give him the freedom that he did not know he was secretly craving for.
The best scenario is to make it happen naturally. Give each other a chance to reevaluate your feelings. Baka naman dahil magkasama kayo halos twenty-four-seven ay hindi ka na n'ya na-mi-miss. Baka naman kaya hindi n'ya alam kung ano ang pakiramdam nang wala ka sa tabi n'ya ay dahil you are always available. Baka naman sa tagal ninyo ay nawala na ang kilig? Give him a chance to miss you. Give him a chance to realize your worth. Give him a chance to see how much his life sucks without you. But, prepare for the possibility, no matter how slim, that he might not. But, at least you are saving yourself from being legally miserable with someone who doesn't deserve you.
Good luck.
Jen
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Author's Note:
Letters are edited for grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Salamat.
