Soul (Chaos #1)

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

The lack of true emotion in my life had drawn me to the fae, but the depths of despair I was experiencing among them was almost too much to bear. For the first time, I could imagine what it had been like for my brother the night he had taken his life. I had never understood it before, had been incapable of going through the motions, but finally, I got it.

I could imagine giving up, could see myself letting go, unsure if life was worth the pain. The circumstances of my birth had destroyed my family. Everything made sense. Every comment I didn't understand, everything that had confused me, it was all figured out in my head. I envied ignorance.

I pictured malevolent faeries egging on criminals and puncturing family units. I heard their whispers, saw how someone who didn't believe would be the most vulnerable. I wasn't fae enough to count, but the trace of fae in me ruined everything they hadn't managed to taint. For all of the times I drew my father's hatred and wrath, it had been something in my blood that stoked the embers of his ire. We had all born the brunt, and I didn't know how to get past it.

If I ended my life, my parents - if I could even call them that - would be happier. My mother might feel sad, but in real terms, her life would improve. Maybe Zoe's life would be better without me there; she wasn't exactly happy. And the fae... they wouldn't notice anyway, as long as they got what they wanted first.

And maybe I would see my brother again. A child forced to watch such violence, forced to live with what my birth brought to his family, yet he had managed to love me all the same. He was the best person I had ever known, and he had taken his life because he couldn't bear the memories anymore, couldn't handle the stain on all of our lives. Thanks to the fae. Thanks to me. I had killed the person I loved most just by living.

That truth shattered my heart. When Realtín tried to speak to me, I stared at her blankly, unable even to form the words I needed to send her away. I was a shell. Empty and broken and unable to fathom the pain I had caused. Anya tried to feed me, but everything tasted like ash, so I kept pushing her away. Grim tried to plead with me, but I didn't have the energy to listen. Líle tried to push my buttons, saying things that would normally have spurred me into action, but there was nothing anyone could say that would be worse than what I already knew.

I was tired and weary and unable to see a future for me, trapped in another world, one that all of the negativity in my life had stemmed from. And I still couldn't walk away, still couldn't leave it behind. So the guilt multiplied and folded in on itself in an eternal circle of punishment. My brother deserved vengeance, and all I could think about was how painful it would be never to see the fae again. What was wrong with me?

"Please," Realtín said in a panic. "He's going to come and see you. He'll force us to keep you alive. It's been three days, Cara. Please, just eat something. He won't leave you alone otherwise."

I stared at the sprite. "I don't care."

She wrung her hands. "What did he do?"

"He told me the truth," I managed to get out before covering my head with the blanket again.

That caused a flurry of discussion amongst my companions. The cat wormed its way into the bed and slept against my chest, purring along with my silent sobs. I couldn't even weep properly, couldn't let the pain escape through tears.

"Maybe she needs to speak to her mother," Grim whispered.

I rolled over at that idea. The more I learned of my heritage, the more lost and displaced I felt. Had there ever been a chance of happiness for my family in a home where the mother had been afraid to comfort the daughter for fear of dredging up old memories for the husband?