in the middle of the chaos | jean kirstein x fem!reader

21 | in the middle of nowhere

Y/n didn't want to admit it, but she'd been avoiding Jean.

In the remaining time before the mission, she'd kept her distance at meals, training, studying and everything in between. It was hard, considering they were in the same friend group, but wasn't impossible. No one really questioned it, either, too busy preparing for their possible dooms. In that time, she'd tried to wrap her head around things.

Why her?

There were so many girls to choose from. Sasha, Mikasa, Christa — why didn't he like them? Why her? What was there in her to like? She didn't understand. She didn't understand how she felt around him, either. He was . . . Jean. Her best friend since she was a kid, a boy she can rely on for everything. She didn't understand what her feelings meant, if there were any in the first place. She didn't get the whole romance thing. There was no time to think about it now, to talk about it with someone, but it was the one constant thought in her mind.

It was the day of the operation — the first time they'd be going outside the wall. Y/n was placed in front of Jean within the formation and as they waited for the barriers to open, she could almost feel his stare on her back. She didn't turn around. It was awkward as it was.

She shook her head. There was no time to think about that now. They were lifting the gates.

The horses in front of them started moving and soon enough they were going through a town right outside of Wall Maria. It was abandoned after the attacks five years ago, ruins lay through the streets and vines climbed up the houses. To think Trost could've ended up the same. It was safe now, but it would take a while to fix all the damage, meaning her family and Jean's were staying at a refugee camp right at the entrance of Wall Rose, ready to go back as soon as possible.

''A 10-meter class approaching from ahead, on the left!'' Commander Hange yelled out.

Y/n looked at the titan, who was already being taken care of by two soldiers as the rest of the Survey Corps continued onward.

''Forward! Forward!''

After they made it out of the town, it was time to spread out and cover more ground. The commander gave the signal and people started breaking out. ''See you, Armin!'' Reiner called — he'd been riding next to Armin, Jean and Y/n — before he moved to join his flank.

''Don't wet yourself even if you run into a titan!'' Jean reminded him and followed Y/n as she started moving to their designated positions.

''Same to you!'' Armin yelled back.

Y/n and Jean started moving to the outer flank with their superiors simultaniously. Y/n looked at him, only to find him already looking at her; she gulped and yelled out, ''Don't become Titan brunch, Jean-Bo!'' If this was the last time they'd see each other, she didn't want to ignore him.

He didn't smile, nor did he frown, but he gave her a quick nod. ''You too!''

———

Y/n could feel sweat trickling down the side of her face as she rode her horse by herself, trying to keep up with her position. Her superior was gone, eaten along with his horse. The two had been on the most outer flank and Y/n had just barely managed to kill the titan due to shock, watching as her superior's single remaining leg fell out of the titan's mouth, the boot still on.

Don't throw up, don't throw up. Y/n kept repeating those words to herself, though she still kept imagining the sights she'd seen, which didn't help.

A strange color caught her attention from the corner of her eye — black smoke. Shit. An abnormal. How far is it? Y/n reloaded her smoke gun and fired up black smoke to pass on the message.