Untold thoughts - Between us (WinTeam)

Please wake up

I thought that he was okay, he had trouble sleeping, he had trouble keeping up in class, he had trouble swimming, but...I never thought that this could happen. The relationship I had with Team couldn't be held down with words. Yes, we slept together, a few times, but I wouldn't say we're friends with benefits...at first it was something like that, even though at that time we were just Nong and Phi. We sleep beside each other a lot, it helps him sleeping peacefully and it helps me. I just feel good whenever I know he's beside me. I thought it could work out with us, I'm still scared to admit to this thought, but I know what it means. I don't want to accept these feelings, I'm scared of them, I flirt with him, but am not able to actually go for it. I let him down a lot, but he's the same. He starts something and ends it just there, not even letting one small slit open for those words, feelings, thoughts.

It was right before the tryout for the K-university swimming competition. He had terrible eye bags, it was obvious, but I couldn't just force him to come to my room. I could...but I don't want to force him into anything.

We told everyone in the swimming club that training was canceled on this day. No one was supposed to be at the pool. Late in the evening someone went against our words. When I was walking down the place I saw the lights on at the pool, I thought I forgot to turn them off, I hurried inside, because I just wanted to get home, there I saw it. My heart stopped beating, my body stopped moving, I no longer could take a breath. Someone was in the pool and this someone...it was him. My junior, my boy...Team. Without thinking twice my body was moving on its own, I jumped into the pool trying my best to get down to Team. He was drowning, I don't know how or why, he was one of the best swimmer in the club, so why? My brain had too many thoughts, but the loudest was "TEAM", I shouted after I got him out of the pool. He was not answering. "Team!" I shouted again.

Was I too late, it can't be. How long was he in there? How much water did he choke on? I tried to give him first aid. Mouth to mouth, breathing in, breathing out. Pushing down his chest. "Team, please." my heart won't stop beating. "Wake up!". After a while, which felt like hours, he started to breathe again, but there was no response. I took out my phone to call the ambulance, I don't care what consequences I or he had to face, I just need to make sure that Team was okay. After a short time the ambulance arrived, they took him with them. They put him on mechanical ventilators. Something in me broke, everything hurt when I saw Team in the ambulance. Because I was the one who found him, I was allowed to go with them. I took all of Team belongings with me. We needed them later. The paramedics did everything for Team, but I was just in a trance. What just happened? Was that all just a dream? Why won't Team wake up?

We arrived in the hospital and everything just happened too fast. I felt like moving in slow mo, while everything else just moved past me in high speed. They asked me questions, which I answered as good as I could. I told them how I found him, what I did, what happened the days before the accident and then the question came that made me stop breathing. "Did he ever show any sign of suicidal behavior?" I couldn't answer them, I thought. Did he? No, he did not...he was eating a lot, had fun with his friends, at swimming, but did I ever really saw behind this? I thought I knew it all. I thought I was always there, but what about the time he didn't came to me to sleep? What about all the nightmares? What were they about, I never dared to ask. The nurse touched my shoulder. "It's okay if you don't know, it's just a routine question. Please take a seat, we will soon tell you more."

My head was empty. I called Dean, I knew he was with Pharm. Pharm his best friend, did he knew about anything? Would even Dean know? Manow, his other friend. Would they all know about it...just not me? I felt like I was just a small shadow in his life, even if I wanted to be more. I wanted to be the person he thought about first, always. Pharm called me. I told him that we don't know much yet and we had to wait for the nurse. He wanted to come right away, but I told him not to. It's late and I have to go too soon. I don't want to leave Team here, all alone. I want to stay by his side, holding his hand but seeing him on all those machines...my heart couldn't take it.