What Are We?

Chapter 8

Now

Charlie stands up from the bench  and rubs the skin on the back of his neck. I know him so well I can tell he's thinking about how he needs to give himself a haircut when he gets home.  He walks back to the bridge and looks over the water, his back to me. "Of all the things you have to remember from your freshman year, we have to talk about that incident? Also for the record, you boobs have aged like fine wine. They only get better with age." 

I throw my head back over the edge of the bench laughing. Once again I am thankful that he can't see the reddish of blood to my cheeks in the darkness surrounding us. "Of course we do! It was a big moment for me. A boy? Complimenting me? A little pimply freshman? My mind was blown! Boys never talked to me like that.It was the first time I thought that maybe..." I drift off in thought while fiddling with the zipper on my coat. Maybe if I can get it to go up high enough, I can hide myself so I don't have to finish my sentence. I can't believe was about to tell him that it was the first time I thought that maybe he might like me too.  

Charlie turns back around and nonchalantly leans against the wooden railing of the bridge on his elbows. He crosses his left leg over the right so I can just make out the laces on his toms.  The Christmas lights lighting up the backdrop in the far distance behind him, but I can't see much else.  "Thought that maybe what?" 

There is a moment of silence that passes between us. The only noise filling the gap is the wind blowing through the leafless trees. I can see our breaths in front of our faces. I know he is waiting for an answer, but I struggle to find my words. I could feel them in my heart, banging and begging to be let out, but I just can't bring myself to say them. The words are just past the tip of my tongue, but I know if I say them yet, he'll run off scared. I've waiting 13 years for a chance like this; a chance to explain all the things I have felt for him. I can't mess this up. 

He's waiting patiently so I have to make something up on the spot to diverge his attention. "It's nothing really. I just thought maybe ...maybe you were a typical teenage boy. Up until then, you were just Charlie. The same little Charlie that I grew up with. You know, the one who played tag at recess and had to ask him mom for rides to the park.I t was that day that I realized we were growing up and maybe that wasn't such a bad thing." 

Charlie shoves his hands into his pockets and nods his head up and down, contemplating what I've said. " You're right Jenna. I think it was around my sophomore year that I felt myself change. I wasn't just some little kid anymore. I had a life to plan for and goals to figure out. I started to take myself too seriously. Sometimes I regret that."

I stand up and walk over to the bridge railing. I rest my arms on the railing next to Charlie as he continues to lean. I turn my head to look at him. In this darkness, I can just make out the whites of his eyes. "Regret what exactly?"

Charlie lets out a huge sigh. "I don't know. Just growing up so quickly. I denied myself a whole bunch of high school rights of passage because I thought I was too cool, too focused on the adult world to focus on kid stuff like dances and dating. I was so intent on what I wanted my future to look like, that I forgot to enjoy the present. Do you know what I mean?" 

"I think I do," I say. "Sometimes I felt myself caught up in a different way. Like I wanted to have all those grown up things like a boyfriend and a job. I wanted a car and to go to college as soon as I could get myself out that front door. I often felt like I wasn't doing enough to be grown-up. I thought that maybe it didn't matter what goals I set for myself. Maybe the world thought I wasn't ready for my dreams. Just like now.  I still don't think the world is ready for me to keep moving forward with my dreams, like getting married or having kids, because maybe I missed so many of those milestone dreams when I was a teenager and it can be really upsetting."

I feel Charlie shift on the railing next to me and turn to put his hand on my arm. "Jenna, of course you deserve to have your dreams. Why would you think otherwise?"

I can feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I blink hard to get them back where they belong. I have always been honest with Charlie but right now I can feel myself revealing too much of my insecurities. I'm being vulnerable with him in a way that exposes parts of myself that I don't let anyone see. I know I have to expose all of my heart to him if I want any chance of him wanting it, but it also leaves defenseless if he decides to break it later. 

I look up at the sky and stare at the moon, along with the splattering of stars that have started to appear. "Sometimes it feels like if couldn't do the little, stupid, ridiculous dreams that I wanted as a kid, why do I deserve to hope for the big ones to happen? It could just lead to disappointments that dig deeper canyons into my soul." 

Charlie slides his hand down my arm until he unclasps my hands. He takes my left into his and before I know it, we're holding hands. I can feel him using his thumbs to rub circles on the back of my hand. It makes me a smile a little bit, and forget the hard memories that start to fill my head. "A penny for your thoughts?" 

I glance down to the river and focus on the reflection of the moon in the black water. "I'm thinking about the first time you broke my heart." I take a big gulp and revisit that devastating day.