Chain Me

Wider World

     For the third time today I catch Lost poking at her stomach with a curious finger. She's mostly healed, but she twitches every time her fingertip touches her skin.
     "Why do you keep doing that?" I ask, watching her poke herself again.
     "I'm going to have a new scar," she mumbles. Her hand covers the spot and she splays out her fingers over her abs. Even through her healing process she's somehow kept them defined and strong. I'm fairly certain she worked out when I wasn't looking, which is probably why she took so long to get better.
     "Is that okay?" I take a water bottle from the fridge and crack the cap open. My mind wanders to that scar lightening cream that I once thought about. "Do you mind having another one?"
     "Not at all." Lost puts her shirt back down and pats her belly protectively. "It will only get lost in the others. I'll hardly notice it."
     "Then why bring it up in the first place?"
     Lips puckering, Lost plops down on the couch. "This is the first scar I've gained in your service."
     "Okay, two things," I say, moving to stand in front of the kitchen island to be in Lost's view. I lean back onto the island and cross my arms over my stomach, water bottle still in hand. "One, you're not in my service, and two, why is getting a scar with me so important?"
     "It's not important, per se. But I've gotten scars from all the others. It seems strange that I've just gotten one from you now, and you're not even the one to give it to me."
     I sip at my water then turn to put the bottle on the island. "I think it's a good thing I haven't hurt you. Do you disagree?"
     Lost opens her mouth but closes it just as fast, then she hums in thought.
     "Is receiving scars some kind of achievement to your people?" I ask instead.
     "No. But it's what I know as an individual."
     Pursing my lips, I nod slowly. "And do you like getting hurt? Did you like getting the scars you have?"
     Lost's brow furrows and her eyes narrow the slightest as she looks at me. "No," she drawls. I can almost see her mind cranking, trying to figure out where I'm going with this. "Not at all. Each and every one of them caused me great pain. But they-"
     "No. Stop," I interrupt. "We're not talking about them. We're talking about you. Now tell me, why would you think I would cause you great pain?"
     "You... wouldn't?"
     "Are you asking or telling me?"
     Lost shifts uncomfortably. Obviously giving her commands without really giving them makes her nervous. "Telling? Yes. Telling."
     I bob my head. "Okay. Since you think I wouldn't cause you great pain, why would you want a scar from me?"
     "I..." Lost's face twists in pain and she holds her hands in her lap, squeezing them. "It's all I know."
     My heart aches for her, but I wet my lips and keep going. Lost needs to know that her past was horrendous. She doesn't have to be a toy anymore. She is her own person and, damn it, I'm going to make sure she knows it.
     "What if I told you I grew up in an abusive home?" I ask carefully.
     Lost stands abruptly, her eyes lighter than they should be. "Did you?" she growls. "Who hurt you?"
     "Sit down, please, and listen."
     When Lost sits back down, I continue on even with her brighter eyes on me and her jaw clenched dangerously.
     "What if I told you I was ruined by both physical and mental abuse? What if I defended my abusers? What if I wanted you to beat me because it was what I grew up with?"
"     Never!" Lost shrieks, leaning forward, clearly wanting to stand. "What happened to you wasn't your fault. I won't allow you to defend those cowards!" She spits on the ground and hisses something in a language I don't know. "They hurt you, can't you see? Why would you want more? I won't ever beat you. Ever. You need kindness. You need to be treated like a human being, not an animal. Tell me who they are and I will pay them back for everything they did to you."
     "Relax," I coo, taking a few steps forward. "No one did anything to me. But how you feel right now? That's how I feel when you tell me you want scars from me. That's how I feel when you talk about your past like it's normal."
     Lost's face slackens, her expression going blank, and I think I've finally gotten through to her. Her eyes darken to their normal hue and her body unwinds, and she goes dead silent.
     "I'm a victim, aren't I?" she whispers after a time, eyes going wide.
     Saddened, I make my way to her side and sit. "Not anymore."
     Lost shakes her head and flops back into the couch, her limp hands resting on her inner thighs. "When did I become a victim? I can't remember ever being anything but."
     Now that the realization has come, I want us to handle it together. "It's not your fault," I tell her, scooting closer. Then I repeat her own passionate words back at her, "You need kindness. You need to be treated like a human being, not an animal. Will you let me treat you that way? Will you let me stop the cycle of violence?"
     There's a beat of silence, then Lost's hand slips in mine. She keeps her face forward and refuses to look at me "You let me do this once without permission. Why?"
     I remember the way she begged me not to let those male doctors near her, they way she held my hand until she couldn't anymore. "Why have you done it again?"
     Her hand tenses in mine, and she pulls away slightly. "I... I don't know. You give me this feeling of... You make me think it's okay. Is it not okay?"
     "It's okay." And I squeeze her hand encouragingly to prove it.
     "I like it when you treat me like more than just a Pet. Maybe it's not my place to say so..."
     "You can say whatever you want."
     "It makes me nervous, but I like it. I'm so used to... other things, that the way you treat me is almost unreal. This is how you mean when you say you'll treat me like a human being?"
     I turn to face Lost fully, then take a chance and bring both her hands into mine and rub my thumbs over her knuckles. Her eyes are large when I look back up at her. "This is exactly how I mean. Would you like that?"
     Lost's eyes brighten and she can't seem to say anything for a moment. Then, eventually, she says, "Very much."
     "Good," I breathe.
     I'm glad this conversation went so well. Maybe now things can get a little more normal around here. Lost and I can be equals now, or at least we can try to get there now that the air is clear.
     "Do I have to change the way I act?" Lost asks curiously. "Does my new human status come with new rules?"
     I chuckle and pat her hand. "Not at all. Just be you and only you." That's just the way I like it.