Hate Me

VIII

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

You know how some people seem to glow while others seem to suck the light out of a room? I think it's something about the eyes and the smile. Some people have big and contagious smiles while others have cynical and hypocritical smiles. Eyes are so honest, too, you can see in people's eyes whether they are happy or sad or depressed or angry or scared or so many other things. But I think the moment you get used to a person and how this gradually changes you don't realise when the smile or look in their eyes is different. You get used to a less bright smile or less happy eyes because it doesn't happen from one day to the other. The light inside a person dies little by little until it's out and only when you look back and compare with the person in your memories you can notice the change. It's not like when someone, due to something in particular, feels down or something upset them because that change is noticeable. This other change I'm talking about is slow and silent and you confuse it with just evolving but it is not always the same. Fading away isn't the same as growing old.

Today I saw different people at the bar, as usual, and two caught my attention. Normally, people don't linger in my memory unless they leave an impression and even then it is not for too long. These two women looked so different from one another but both reminded me of you. It was like seeing a before and after picture and it struck me so hard I almost gave out under my own weight.

One, the before you woman, was bright and happy. She was full of smiles and vitality. She was with a group of friends, two other women and three men. They were all having fun and it was clear she was interested in one of the men with them judging by the way she looked at him and how both flirted. She was like when I met you, happy and bubbly with that innocent look in her eyes and hope for a bright future. Definitely, she was older than you when I met you and it made me think of how you'd look by now if you hadn't met me. Probably pretty much like her right now.

The other woman was the after you. She looked dead to say the least. All life and light had escaped her and her eyes only spoke of sadness and desperation, fear and hopelessness. It was horrifying to see her because she reminded me of you when I finally walked away. She was with another woman, her partner I presume, and I think that woman was a version of me. Maybe worse. The partner was drowning in jealousy and seemed suspicious of everyone and took that fear and insecurity out of the before you woman, so she yelled and insulted her and the next minute she kissed her forcefully just to mark her territory.

I know I did that to you a few times, when I was pissed drunk and I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, but I know I did it and I still regret. Seeing it from outside made me sick to the stomach. And I didn't feel only shame and regret, I also wondered if the partner couldn't see how miserable the woman was. Her smile was fake and her eyes looked dead, and I could see that from afar, but the person that was her lover seemed oblivious to it. But then I remembered I didn't notice, either. For so long I didn't notice how you faded away so I guess it is possible.

In your case, I know now, it wasn't just what I did to you, it was also your own doing. You cared so much for me and tried to help me fiercely, neglecting yourself. All those sleepless nights, all that worry, all those fights drained the life out of you. I couldn't see it happening even if it was taking place in front of my eyes. How your body was deteriorating and how you left behind the person you were before. I got used to the new you even if she wasn't even a shadow of what you really were when I met you.

I'm sorry I didn't notice this before.

When you love something you take care of it. Like when you bought that new mobile phone, remember? You were so happy with it and couldn't stop saying how much you loved it. And you bought the best protection for it, the prettiest case just because you didn't want anything to happen to it. The first time you accidentally dropped it you couldn't even breathe, you were just so scared until you noticed nothing happened. You even apologised to it, remember? I think today that was so cute of you and this is one of my precious memories, but the point of brining it up is to illustrate that when you love something or someone, you take care of that or them. You can't neglect them because when you love that person is first.

If I loved you as much as I claimed then I should've made sure you got help sooner. I should've tried to go to a therapist and take you with me. I should've taken you to the doctor. I should've done so many things.

I should've tried harder.

But I didn't. I let you wither in front of me and realised this when most of you was gone already. I was that selfish and love isn't supposed to be selfish so even if I loved you with all my soul, I didn't love you right.

I think that's also possible. No matter how much you love someone, if you can't love them right that love becomes poison instead of the cure.

Ironic, isn't it?

I'm really sorry for being the poison for you and not knowing how to love you and put you first. And I hope, for your own sake, that you don't get fooled again into a love that is not right. I hope that the next time you're with someone he can love you right and treasures you like you deserve. That is what I really wish for you because I do not trust myself to love you properly even if I try this hard. I don't think it's in my nature.

As some people can't be parents or are terribly at socialising or any other like basic skill, I do not know how to love without destroying in the process and staying away is all what I can do to save you. I hope that today you can understand really why I did it, why I left you. It is the one thing I will never regret because it is the most honourable thing I've done, even if it's hurt so much. I am confident I did the right thing, even if it was the last thing I ever did for you.