Bea parked her car outside the dorm, 8pm. Turning off the engine, she took a moment to steady herself.
Maddie took out her seatbelt and was about to open the car door when Bea reached out to touch her shoulder and stopped her.
"Wait..." Bea said, eyes shut, her left hand massaging her temple as she was deep in thought.
She knew that the moment they would step out of this car, everything will be over between the 2 of them.
Maddie. The girl who showed her what unconditional love meant. The one who was willing to love her even when she was broken, and turned a blind eye to every mistake that she made.
Was she making the right decision?
"Bei.." Her thoughts were broken when Maddie called her. "Don't feel guilty about this. This is also my choice as much as it is yours. We can't keep staying in this relationship hoping that we will feel the spark meant for love stories, if it was never really for us to begin with."
"I'm sorry Madz.."
"How many times do you have to say sorry Bei?" Maddie held out her hand to touch Bea's cheeks. "I love you so much Bea, but I can't be with you if I know that every time you look at me, there is someone else you love more than me."
"I'm so stupid..."
"Yeah, I guess so.." Maddie bumped their shoulders, eliciting laughter from both of them. After a while, silence befell them as they knew that their goodbye was imminent.
"Hey... Bei.. Don't waste this opportunity ok? Show me that my sacrifice was worth it.."
Bea grabbed both of Maddie's hands and kissed them, then pulled her in a tight embrace. "thank you for loving me. Thank you for the great 2 months that you spent with me..."
"Let's go.. Let's not make this any more difficult for us.." Maddie spoke but her voice started to break with the tears she had been keeping in. She gave Bea a chaste kiss, that caused Bea to close her eyes and clutch Maddie's collar to hold her in for a bit longer. "Goodbye Bea.." She gave Bea one last kiss as she opened the car door and got out.
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"I knew I'd find you here"
Jia looked behind her as she heard someone speak. She gave a lopsided smile before resuming her earlier position, looking up at the stars. "Hi Bei" she said glumly.
Bea walked slowly towards her and sat beside her, taking Jia's left earphone off slowly and pulling it to her ear to listen in.
"Rooftop.. Stargazing... I can't make you love me.." Bea looked at her with squinted eyes. "Emo night much Ji?" She teased and Jia laughed, slapping Bea's shoulder.
"Sorry I wasn't here yesterday when you needed me Ji.."
"Hmmm" Jia rolled her eyes and just shrugged her shoulders
"What happened? Did he hurt you again?"
"Physically? No.."
"Ok.. Good.. so there's no need for me to commit murder tomorrow" Bea said, giving a sigh of relied, "honestly, I mean, I'm kinda too young to go to prison, and I don't know how to explain that to my parents..."
"Bea!!!" Jia rolled her eyes again as she tried to surpress a laughter.
"There, there.. See? I just wanted to see that smile. But seriously, Ji, what happened?"
"He came here. He demanded for an explanation why I broke up with him.."
"Wasn't the fact that he was a jerk, enough? I really don't know why you stuck with him in the first place.."
"Because he loved me, but I hurt him. I betrayed him.."
"You stayed with him out of guilt? What?"
"I guess you could say that"
"Jia, that still doesn't give him any right to hurt you.."
"I know.. But for a while, I guess, I was trying to justify his actions. That he was merely lashing out for the pain that I caused him.."
"How huge a deal was this mistake that you'll ignore the fact that he hurt you?"
Jia looked straight into Bea's eyes as she spoke. "I fell in love with my bestfriend, and no matter what I did, I couldn't lie to myself as to how much I really wanted to be with her... Than with him.." Jia smiled bitterly, before looking up at the sky.
"I guess he figured it out, even before I was strong enough to admit it to myself. But by the time I admitted the truth to myself, it was too late.. I was already with him.. and there would be so many people hurt by my choices. So, I just stuck with it.."
"... until I also lost you.." Jia rubbed her eyes amd cried like a child as her tears spilled from her eyes.
"Ji..." Bea brushed the side of Jia's hair to comfort her, and Jia grabbed her hand and kissed it, her tears falling on Bea's hand.
"Shhssh, it wasn't your fault Bei. Those were the consequences of the choices I made. That was my karma for being a coward..." She forced a laugh, but her tears kept streaming down her face.
"He called me a liar, user, closet case... Name it, I heard it. But I guess I deserved that.. coz I used him to hide against my true feelings.. Of who I really am.. Of who I really love.."
"Stop, Jia" Bea shifted so that she could face Jia, and held Jia's face in her hands, lookign straight into her eyes. "NO, stop giving excuses for him. No matter what you did, nothing would justify anyone from hurting you. You get that? And anyone who will hurt you would have to go thru me.." She grinded her teeth as she spoke, every word seething with anger. She kissed Jia's forehead to calm both of them down.
"I'm so stupid, coz I honestly thought I could set myself straight if I stayed with him, when the fact is, I just wanted so much to be with you..." Jia started shaking with her sobs. "But I know I already lost my chance. That you're with Maddie now, and I just have to be content in being your bestfriend.."
"...We broke up" Bea cut in, sighing deeply, and let Jia go. She laid down on the rooftop and looked at the stars, using her hand as her pillow.
"What? Why?"
"... Because she wanted me to be true to myself.."
Jia laid beside Bea and mimicked her position, staring at the stars above them.
"She set me free so that I could find my happiness.."
Bea reached out to touch Jia's hand beside her, but kept her eyes locked on the stars. ".. And accept the fact, that I'm still in love with you Jia.."
Jia shifted to her side to look at Bea, and Bea followed suit, never letting go of Jia's hand. For a moment, they just stared at each other, as if weighing the truth that is finally in front of them.
For once, they are ready to confront their feelings, out in the open. And it scared them.
Closing her eyes, Jia took a deep breath and clutched Bea's hand tighter. "Bei.. I'm still scared.. I don't know how my family will accept that I'm in love with a girl.."
Bea's hearts pounded, dreading Jia's words. Her eyebrows furrowed with every word.
".. I don't even know if I'm gay or what. But I know, I can't lose you again. All I know is that I want to be with you, no matter what it takes... I love you so much, that sometimes it scares me. Because sometimes I feel as if I can't breath if I won't have you.."
Bea nodded her head in agreement, eyes tightly shut as her tears spilled. She grabbed Jia's neck and pulled their forehead together.
"... I'm so in love with you Bea, that it hurts not being with you.. Coz all I want to be, is to be yours"
Bea kissed Jia with all of the pent up emotions between them. As they smiled and kissed, while their tears continuously flowed thru them, they savored their new freedom.
"I'm sorry it took me a long time, but I'm here now." Jia whispered
"And, I'm never letting you go Jia... I love you."
