The deconstruction of Eliz

Chapter One: Numb

Hello! My name is Eliz, and this is my story; maybe you will not like it, reject it, or say it bores you. It may be because deep down, from your denial, you identify with what I feel or have experienced, causing you discomfort. The phrase: «It hits too close to home» cannot describe it better. However, that does not detract from its value. Some see me with pity, others ignore me, but I invite you to see me with compassion and see if this seems captivating to you.

Since I was little, I imagined what I wanted to be when I grew up; that was always my problem: imagination. It was what kept me from having my feet on the ground and allowed me to let time pass like sand through my fingers.

When I did not want to be somewhere but I had to, I imagined a fabulous place. At a young age, when faced with something disgustingly unpleasant, I closed my eyes. Out of nowhere, I found myself in this magical place with clouds that looked like cotton candy. I could soar through the skies with just a thought.

However, all things must end. I felt alone, stuck between reality and fantasy, and saw flaws in my perfect dream; I felt abandoned, trapped in a limbo between the tangible and the imaginary, and started noticing small cracks in this fantasy. Fleeting moments where reality slipped between my dreams.

Constant anxiety affected my relationships. I doubted the sincerity of my loved ones, feared the intentions of those around me, withdrawing and avoiding social interaction.

Returning to the real world, I found that time had passed, and all the others had progressed with their lives.

Sometimes, my loved ones would see me absorbed in my thoughts, but they could not wake me from the illusion I had created for myself. I believe they were unwilling because of their struggles. Would it be an act of mercy towards me?

I had been avoiding reality for too long. It was time to face it and realize I needed to wake up. With great effort, I gave up my fantastic life and faced the harsh truth.

Today, without realizing it, I was sitting at a desk; I became a solitary spectator in a world that I no longer understood, all «numb» (Linkin Park could not describe it better). Through daydreams, I imagined what could be, yet failed to see reality. Because inside my head, everything is happy, it does not hurt. There is no anticipatory anxiety; I can breathe, listen, and understand. For those few minutes, I am absent from my life. I am not insane and aware it is not reality, less a parallel universe. It is just my escape, my vice.

When I was at college, a professor told the class:

— We put a great deal of thought into what tomorrow may bring. In a few years, I will achieve my goals and attain happiness.

When I have the car, everything else will follow. We do not live in the moment, see what is happening now, and do not enjoy what is right under our noses. The worst thing was that the moment and life passed, but it was as if it passed around me, and I remained static in the same place. What I expected, I did not achieve. What was unquestionable for most people was not tangible for me.

In my pre-teen years, I thought we took it for granted. Accomplishing a degree was an obligation for all. That is where the money will come from. Then you meet someone because everyone has a partner. Life moves on, and an instant movie-like snapshot of a two-story house with a garden pops into your head. Two kids playing with a puppy and a devoted husband observing. The American version, I know. I think this image comes from my obsession with TV. Later on, we will talk about that.

Going back to the topic itself, how wrong I was.

—Eliz, wake up! I am not doing the work for you. —. That is me. I look up to see who is yelling and has thrown some folders on my desk. The contempt she spat in that sentence unbalances me for a moment. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and look up.