Revelations of the Heart

Lovesick

Aella Jones, 17 years old
New York, New York 2018
Summer break before senior year.
Since the night of the attack, Raphael had stopped avoiding me. Instead, he started going out of his way to show me that I was an inconvenience. I stopped going to the lair, except for my lessons with Splinter, but even then Raphael found some reason to be mad at me. If Mikey came to the loft, Raphael said I was distracting him. When I went to the lair Raphael said I was in the way. Honestly I'm not proud of how I handled things, but I started withdrawing from everyone. I made excuses to Splinter about taking fewer lessons. I never invited Mikey over anymore, telling him I was tired or needed to work if he asked. I didn't even feel like I could talk to Casey, because he and Raph were still best friends as far as I knew. Raphael was the only friend Casey had ever had that actually understood him, and helped him at the same time. I couldn't get between them. I vaguely mentioned the situation to April, but her only advice was to confront the person about what was bothering me. I had already done that and it had led to this. I wasn't sure what would feel worse than this and I didn't want to find out. I was never in the mood to hang out with Nicole either, so I spent most of my time in the loft or at work. I don't think she was too hurt because coincidentally she had gotten a girlfriend and she just assumed I was giving her space. Instead, I got closer to Kai as the weeks passed. Now that he knew about the guys, nothing felt like it was off the table for discussion, except for Raphael. He told me he suspected that his girlfriend was cheating on him lately, which sounded absurd to me. He seemed like perfect boyfriend material, nothing like the hot-headed asshole that I couldn't stop thinking about. It was stupid how much I still liked about him even after how he treated me, but I couldn't help it. Raphael was always so strong, and confident, and protective over everyone he loved. Sure, he could be aggressive, and he had a temper, but he was a good son and a great brother when he wasn't mad at one of them. I knew he wasn't great at expressing his feelings, so he made up for it by being defensive. I saw his eyes in my dreams, and when Casey kissed April on the forehead or pushed her to the inside of the sidewalk something painful tugged at my heart. I wanted that, but I wanted it with the mutant that hated my existence. I was miserable, and I stayed too distracted to meditate, so I started writing to Leo again. I figured he wouldn't answer even if he got the letters, but it made me feel better. I told him about everything, including my feelings for his brother. If he was reading them at least I couldn't see his judgment, though I knew he would be the last person to look down on me for who I loved. He had always been so understanding, and gentle, with me. When he had been here I couldn't stand it, because I assumed he thought I was weak. Now I knew better, and I missed him. One night I swore I spoke to him in a dream, and he told me he was coming home. It felt so real that I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't go back to sleep. After that I stopped writing and started meditating with Splinter again, hoping to get my head back on straight. Slowly things got a little better. Nic and her girlfriend Ara started hanging around Murakami's when I worked, and I initiated hangouts with Mikey again, ignoring Raphael when he was in a bad mood, which was pretty much whenever he actually showed his face during the day. As it turned out, Kai's suspicions about his girlfriend were not unfounded, and he broke up with her a month into our school vacation. Nicole invited him into our little group because he seemed lonely, but I began to think he might want more when he started coming by the loft on my days off from work. He would bring food and just hang out until his shift started. He never really pushed or tried to get in my personal space without my permission, which I appreciated, and I wasn't sure if he was actually gearing up to ask me on a date until my 18th birthday. I spent the day in the lair with Mikey and Shadow while Casey and April were at work, and I came home to a surprise party that Nicole and Ara had put together. We were in the middle of cake when Kai showed up on the doorstep with a bouquet of roses asking to see me outside. When he gave them to me, he took my other hand and asked me if I would go on a real date with him, not as friends. I said yes after a moment's hesitation, and he kissed me on the cheek, surprising me. I heard excited wolf whistles and looked up to see the girls and April crowded in the window watching. I invited Kai in, which might've been a mistake because Casey broke out 'the speech', embarrassing me and making Kai nervous. But he was a trooper, winning Casey over, and so we went on that date, and many others over the course of the summer. He was taking business classes as well as working, so we spent a lot of time at the restaurant together. Everyone liked him, and thought he was a good example and a fine choice for a first boyfriend. But I couldn't help but feel like there was something missing. I liked him, and enjoyed his company, but he felt more like a friend to me than a boyfriend. After almost a month of us dating I realized that I needed to be honest with him about my feelings, or lack thereof, because it wasn't fair to him. He took it well, agreeing that we were better as friends than anything else and also admitting that he kind of thought I was just an unintentional rebound. We both laughed it off and life went back to normal, for a little while at least. Because two weeks later when everyone was out, Leonardo showed up in my room in the loft.