FORGIVE ME
The moon knows.
He doesn't mock me.
The darkness knows too.
That bastard does mock me.
I wish the darkness would go to sleep or close its eyes for a moment, just so I can be weak and do what my heart screams at me to do without it watching and humiliating me for ignoring my mind.
For allowing my heart to lead the way when I damn well know that this way will end with my open grave.
After all these years, I've come to understand that only the darkness can save me from my downfall, that humans are miserable because they listen and obey their hearts.
She is an illusion.
Looks like everything you want, made for you to drag you down.
I already know that but the voices like to remind me from time to time again.
I know she is a deception. I know she looks like the most beautiful ocean but once I step my foot into the water, she'll pull me in and make me drown until I lay dead on the pit.
But damn it if I don't want to drown in her.
Who said hearts were smart? Good?
They're not.
They're evil and stupid and make you pay for keeping you alive all those years by kicking you down to the ground until your face has made exceptionally good acquaintances with the dirt.
They're also irresistible.
And sometimes I can't help but shut my mind off, let my guard down and let that organ be in control of me for once.
Once, yeah sure, you obviously can't count.
Don't fuck me off now, Azriel.
I'm not, just stating factss.
Well, you better keep your mouth shut and your facts to yourself before I make you do it.
She gets you real irritated and frustrated, huh?
Don't talk about her.
If only she knew that it was you.
I dare you, Azriel. I dare you.
Hhhhh, I won't, come down, kiddo. I'm just wondering what it would be like if she knew.
Don't wonder cause she'll never know.
Afraid to show people the truth?
Screw you, Azriel.
Can't, it takes two to do that.
I breathe out from the bottom of my lungs, my head falling back in frustration.
This is what I mean when I say I should find a way to sneak some sleeping pills into Death's drink. I'm sick and tired of those voices belittling me for allowing myself to be vulnerable for a moment or two.
It's a side that the world never gets to see.
The world can never know about my journal.
Vulnerability lowers your worth and strength in the eyes of people.
That's why only the night knows this side of me still exists.
I want to wipe that part out, kill it for good before it kills me.
The moon is good company, the only one who sees and knows every little secret and thought of mine that I bury deep in inaccessible places.
I don't mind it watching.
I mind the darkness watching.
That night I didn't sleep.
I lay awake in my bed like usually fighting my mind that always became the most destructive when alone and silent and cold.
The clock had just struck two after midnight when I received the message.
She knows.
Everything after that is a blur in my memory. I was lost to the entire world.
Lost to everything but her.
I wasn't really there as I grabbed the comfiest blanket I owned, along with a prayer rug, put them in a bag and ran out of my room.
I picked up a sheet of paper, scribbling down the first words that came to my terrified mind.
I left no initial.
Once I was done, I didn't hesitate to run out into the lethal storm.
She was out there.
Alone.
Vulnerable.
I only ran faster, knowing she could fall victim to anyone or anything that lingered in the dark at that time.
It is still a mystery to me how I was able to find her so quickly. I couldn't help but put a wall around my heart as I approached her. The sight of her broken and exhausted on the ground like a knife to the heart.
I wrapped the blanket around her.
Wiped tears away, my brush so light she didn't sense my touch.
Stayed a bit just so I could really realize that she was okay.
She wasn't okay, not at all, but she was safe and in front of me and in that moment, it was enough to keep me sane.
I hid behind trees until she woke up. I never left.
She didn't see me.
I could have carried her to the hut.
But I didn't.
Not because I didn't care about her but because I wanted her to be the one who got herself up.
She may have been on the ground but she was damn strong enough to get back up even after that blow.
I would have helped her if she hadn't been able to fight, but she was and she proved me right.
I followed her in secret to the hut just to make sure she arrived there safely.
That night I couldn't be tamed.
YOU ARE READING
Ya'aburnee
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